The year that was

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

2009 had given me some of the best experience in my life, but it had also given me the most painful one as well.

Having the opportunity to spend 3 quarters of the year in UK was something that I had hoped for for years but never thought that it would come true. It was a dream that I had almost given up on. I still find it unbelievable that I had got it. The amazing thing about doing the Masters was not the course itself. But it was the whole package - the experience of being in UK, living there, interacting with culturally-diversed people and re-discovering yourself in a totally new environment. The experience was just priceless. I have always value self-improvement for I cannot stand for myself to be stagnant. Life is just too short for that. Surprisingly, I found enlightenment there in UK, more than I had when I spent a month of Ramadhan in Makkah 2 years back.This convinced me that The Light belongs to God, and that He decides who, when and where He will bestowed them. No, by enlightenment I don't mean that I am a saint now, but there is this new awareness inside me, a clearer view of right and wrong that wasn't there before. But I also realize that this is just a starting point. And the journey is still a long one. And I realize that the challenge of just keeping that Light alive is a struggle on its own. That Light though is what made me feel 2009 was the best of times for me.

But 2009 had also brought to me my most painful experience, the bleakest times so far in my life. It had taken me by surprise coz I never thought that that pain existed and that it could happen to me. It had subsided but there is still a fear in me of going through that pain again, knowing that it could be even worst than that. Once bitten, twice shy I guess. Unfortunately, that fear may stay with me even as I stepped into a brand new year.

I don't do resolutions. I stopped since my schooling years. Doesn't really work for me. What I normally do is envision what I want to see myself in the new year. This year though, I had started early. I did it as I entered the new age bracket back in August. Part of the 'enlightened' me I guess. And the vision is to be even more "enlightened" as the new year come and goes.

Let's pray for 2010 to be a better year for us in all aspects of our lives, insya Allah :)

happy...happy...happy

My UK stuffs have finally arrived!!!

I rushed home during lunchtime to received the boxes and couldn’t stop myself from opening them straight away.

As I was holding the sugar and tea jar that I had used back in UK, I felt this sense of happiness, the feeling of homecoming descended upon me. :)

Yes, it doesn’t take a lot to make me happy. Those who had thought of me as high maintenance, well think again :p

La la la la la *skipping in my head*

Sacrificing our loved ones

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha.

It's been a good Raya so far, alhamdulillah. God had paused the rain for these two days to allow us to have a sunny Raya. :)

My mum when all out this time since we didn't celebrate Aidilfitri at home this year. So we've been served one cuisine after another and haven't stop eating since morning. The poor stove had not had any rest since yesterday :p hehe.

Since this is Hari Raya Qurban, as per usual we are being reminded of the sacrifice made by our dear Prophet Ibrahim who was tested by Allah in one of the greatest test any man, any father has to through - to slaughter his own beloved son. This, I believe is one of the highest degree of "sami'naa, wa a'to'naa" (we hear and we obey).

His sacrifice made me reflect upon the tight hold that we have on our loved ones. The love that we have for our loved ones is almost akin to the deadly grasp of an octopus around our heart. The idea of losing our loved ones is like pulling out our heart from our body. In normal situation, this love helps to nurture our relationships and made everything seems rosy. When something bad happened, you will literally feel the tight squeeze in your heart.

I guess it is about learning to let go. The concept of redha is a deep one. One that is not so easily learned, much less mastered.

But master them, we must, for our own sake and sanity.

Updates

It's been a month and a half already since I got back. It had been surprisingly easy to go back into the same routine again. I wasn't very happy about it. I'm fighting it but so far no success. Problem is, I haven't been able to introduce any new alternatives to my life.

I need new life projects!

One thing is in the way now - money. Or the lack of it.

Since coming back, I've been hit by one bill after the other, one expenses on top of others and it just amaze me how fast your money gets depleted from your account.

One thing that I've noticed about being a student (undergrad and postgrad) is the freedom from bills and major expenses. The only bill that I have to worry about for the last one year was my accomodation payment at every quarter.

And while my allowance was quite "ciput" (as compared to current salary), I feel I can afford more things with that ciput allowance than with a 4 figure salary :p.

Anyhow, I guess that is part and parcel of working life I guess.

Well, that's all for today.

Good news is, I'm in the process of putting in the Streamyx connection to my home already, yeay! (though don't expect it to be in my home that soon :p)

I'll leave you with a pantun pengajaran cerita kura-kura dan arnab menurut Upin dan Ipin:

"Jangan tidur di siang hari,
Nanti kalah lumba lari."

Hehehe.

Later folks. I see u when I see u.

Baby, I'm home!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nota kaki:-
*access very limited. Updates of life will be equivalent to twitter-like messages until I get my house connected. Right now, even my shower hose is not properly connected :p *

All my bags are packed, and I'm ready to go...

Well the time is finally here.

So long, farewell...I hate to go and leave this pretty sight.

It's been a great one year. A wonderful dream.
But now it's time to wake up and face the real world again.

The Raya post

This year is my second time celebrating Raya away from my kampung. Last year was the worst, as my Raya was spent in the classroom on my induction day. The bad part was that I didn't even know it was already Raya :p. Luckily there was that Saudi friend of mine who had to 'convinced' me that it was already Raya. That was our salam perkenalan heheh.

This year was a low key event with just us families, an almost complete "ecosystem" with the exception of my brother & co back home. Last time it was all of us in Malaysia, and him in UK. Now terbalik pulak hehehe. I initially looked forward to having just us for Raya. Maybe as I get older, I tend to be more anti-social. I dread going to crowded social events. And Raya can get really crowded. Most of the times, you only get to greet the host with few pleasantaries, eat and then it's hi hi, bye bye and on to the next house. So it has a nice feel to be able to spend Raya just with your immediate families, the ones that love you unconditionally. But upon hearing my brother's voice on pagi Raya, I found myself missing the Raya atmosphere back home. The sound of my dad hurrying everyone early in the morning to for the Eid prayer, the family breakfast before making our Raya rounds, the visits to the most important and closest relatives and of course the variety of foods.

However, there are a few things that I don't miss. I don't miss the hassle of securing my 'balik kampung' ticket and leave. I don't miss the hassle of having to prepare for Raya i.e. Raya clothes, tudung, shoes, handbag, etc. I don't miss having to give duit raya heheh (but my nieces & nephew here dapat la. In pound lagi :p). And most of all, I don't miss the fending off/deflecting of THE question.

It really amazed me how many people seem to really care about my marital status. I don't get how being married will serve anyone else except for my immediate families. Ok, some cousins just wanted an excuse to get together; though isn't Raya was meant to do that already? What sometimes bother me is the insensitivity of some people that pose the question in quite a condensceding way. I say insensitive because I would like to think they don't really meant it that way. But seriously, it's the same as asking a person who has worked 10 years "why aren't you a manager?". It's all about rezeki. Some people have it easy. Some people may get the managerial post within 8 years without doing any credible work at all. Some may work like crazy but it was just not 'written' for them. Similarly about marriage. And about having kids. You have them. Great. Your life is complete. I am happy for you. But don't go and preen over others on it. Though I know my friends who have not been given rezeki anak have it worst.

Heh, a Raya post just gone awry here :p. This part of life in Malaysia is something that I don't look forward to, and I am already bracing myself for the onslaught.

Anyway, today we had some special guests over - The TEKAD family. My friend and her family are off to Durham to start her own Masters journey now. So it's like a selisih di jalanan for us. After a year away from KL, it is nice to see some familiar faces here for Raya. My regret is that I won't get to meet her and hang out with her when I get back nanti. For another year . Wishing you all the best my dear. Enjoy your one year break :)

Hope it is still not too late to wish everyone Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri and Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

Preparing the path...

Right...ok...two more weeks to go before I touchdown to Malaysian soil again. So need to start planning for my Malaysian life again.

So things to do when I go back to Malaysia:

1. Spruce up the house. Hope it will be in a good condition.

2. Apply for the Maybank Ikhwan credit card, the new Islamic credit card. I have cut out my card after realizing how severe the dosa of riba is. It's level is higher than zina, imagine that. Ironically, I'm using an Islamic debit card here in UK :p

3. Get the house connected and wireless. Need some recommendation here for the most reliable ISP. TeaD, any suggestion?

4. Find new tudung, hehehe. After a year of wearing the same ones, I need some fresh look now.

5. Go for manicure and pedicure. Hey, I'm a woman. Enough said :p

6. Enrol myself in Arabic classes. Need to be more serious this time.

7. Enrol in riding classes. Hehehe. Had even bought meself a pair of jodphurs already.

8. Start my weekend breakfast rituals with my close buddies again :)


Hmm....ok, that should keep me busy in the next month or so.

No, am not back in Malaysia. Yet. I'm right now in my second kampung, Oxford, hehehe. My sister is here so is my parents, hence this is my kampung for Raya this year :p

Packing was a horror. I never knew I had accumulated that much stuff in this one year period. Then it was deciding what I should carry with me since the box will only reach Malaysia sometime in November. Hence I ended up with two big bags, which had me almost in tears thinking that I need to carry them all the way to Oxford that Saturday. Yes, I can be a drama queen sometime, particularly when I didn't sleep the whole night :p.

Alhamdulillah though, a blessed soul had offered to give me a ride to the train station that day. So I had someone to carry the bag for me right to the doorstep of the train. And even the connecting train at Wolverhampton was from the same platform, so I don't really have to walk anywhere. All in all it was a bearable journey.

Because of this drama, I didn't have time to really feel sad about leaving Lancaster. I was dreading it for so long that when it actually came, it kinda feel like a natural thing to leave the place that I have called home this past 12 months. I still can't say I look forward to going back, because of so many uncertainties that I foresee waiting for me back home. But it is a journey that I need to make pretty soon. Like two weeks from now.

Hmm....I think I have been writing a lot about gloomy thoughts these past few months, kan? Must have made me sound like a very disturbed soul indeed.

My last two hours in Lancaster. I'm supposed to write some farewell note to say goodbye to everyone - my coursemates, my Malaysian friends - but right now I am just too tired to do anything. But I don't dare sleep...well still thinking whether I should or not. Sigghh...this is just some mindless ranting. I hate having to pack and leave.

A goodbye kiss?

The thing about having non-Muslims around you most of the time is the problem of protecting your personal space. These people are very affectionate and touchy2 type. Even the Indians from India, which I know don't practise this culture back home, seemed to have adopted them as well.

So far, I have managed to keep them at arms length. Well, the good thing about wearing hijab is that it confuses them, heheh. Plus of course my mannerism is very controlled when I'm with the boys. So they don't really know to what extent they should be close with me, hence they are more careful and polite. So they don't try to hug me even though I can see they wanted to (out of habit, that is).

But tonight, we had a small gathering among my coursemates. And I was saying goodbye to most of them, esp this one guy who was my groupmate during my second term. While saying goodbye, he came towards me and I thought he wanted to shake hands with me, but suddenly he bent down and was about to kiss me! Out of nowhere I heard myself cried out "Don't kiss me!" Yes, I actually said that out loud. Well, I didn't scream it. But it was loud enough for him to hear it and startled him enough to stop him. Phewww....

The thing is, he's Greek and he's like THE most handsome guy in the class. Heck, I think he's the handsomest and the most attractive guy I've seen in UK so far. And at one time, he seemed to be interested in me. Until somebody let out my age, heh. For some reason everyone thinks that I'm a fresh grad. I guess I'm fortunate to have good genes that made me look younger than my age.

Hopefully there won't be this sort of incident ever again. I don't know if I can scream fast enough next time :p

What's in a name?

I've been asked by my friend to give her a Muslim name.

I told her I'll give her a range of names that she can choose from. But she insisted that she wanted ME to name her. Treat her like a newborn baby, she said.

I felt honoured. Truly. Good practice as well, heh :p

I saw one that I like just now - Rida.

From my search, it says that it means favoured by God. Fitting don't you think? :D

Now just need to inform her to see whether she likes it as well.

Packing...packing...

Kotak - checked
Masking tape - checked
Vacuum bag - checked
bubble wrap - checked
Newspaper - err have to get more
laundry - done

Sigghhh....it's packing time now. My all time least favourite activity. Right up there with unpacking. I am a homey person. I hate moving. I hate changes. I like to make my nest just as I like it, and then just let things stay just the way they are. Including all the furnitures. Hence why all my furnitures are built-in :p.

Anyway back to packing. I hate it because I need to plan things out carefully. I am not the type that just 'campak' everything into the box. I like to know which box has which of my stuffs so that I can plan for which box to be opened first. And also which box that I can close last.

Complicated eh? Well, I'm a planner at heart. I go by the habit of "begin with the end in mind". I need to see as clearly as possible what is going to happen in front of me before I make the step. There's good and bad to it. Good because it gives me some peace of mind when I embark on something. Bad because, you can become a bit paranoid with things. Coz when you plan things out, you start thinking of all the worst-case scenario as well :p. Also, when things don't go as plan, you can get real cranky as well. Well, ok that could be just me. I remember the last few days before coming over to UK, I got to know that my flight to UK will land in Leeds rather than Heathrow. It was a misunderstanding between Mara and me. I thought since I'm going by MAS, it will go to Heathrow, which is what I want. But Mara thought, since I'm going to Lancaster, the nearest airport will be Leeds, hence they had made arrangement for flight transfer in Netherlands instead. In the end, I got the flight that I want, but it had to be two days later. The changes didn't have major impact to my plans, but the fact it did mess it up had me in a very cranky mood for that whole day. And someone wasn't very pleased with me about it as well. :p

Well, everyone have their quirks. Mine happens to be this one.

So, now I need to start my packing. Need to first figure out where to start from :p

Completion of a Tekad

Went to visit my parents the last two days. Partly to go berbuka puasa with them. And partly as well so that my dad can proofread my work hahaha. Well, he had offered, though I was initially hesitant to give it to him to read for fear that he'll say it doesn't make sense, hehehe. (Trust me, I myself couldn't bear to read my work again for the same fear :p). Oh, and another part is to give me that much needed pressure to actually completed this thing. When I went there, I was still without my conclusion, my abstract and one small section in my analysis. My parents, who had always been very protective of me, got really worried that I'll not be able to finish this dissertation, and this made me feel really guilty pulak. I think they were more relieved than me when I completed the printing and binding, hehehe.

So, today, I submitted the toils of the past three months. I'm happy. Alhamdulillah :)

Jadikanlah kami umatMu yang bersyukur Ya Allah..

Remember my friend who had reverted less than three months back?

Well, I am happy to announce that today, she had made her first fast :D :D :D

(She actually wanted to do it last week, but due to err technical issue, she wasn't able to hehe)

We have tazkirah everyday after iftar while waiting for isya' prayer and I'm really happy to see that she's taking in the teachings well. I sometimes worry that the Uztazah may touch on things that may be heavy for her still but so far alhamdulillah, topics like sabar, syukur, handling musibah, about doa and about akhlak were talked about. And she's absorbing them well. In fact last night I had even heard her telling her good friends who were not Muslims what she had learnt at the mosque that night.

She didn't had it easy these past few weeks. At one time, she was on the verge of giving up. You and I who are born Muslims would never get to really understand the stress that she faced - with families and friends who are not supportive of her decisions. Even worst, the guy (a Muslim) that she had put hopes on to guide her, had also abandoned her.

So it was wonderful to see her still hanging on tight to the rope of Islam, and it was humbling to me as well. She worries about what is going to happen in two weeks time, when we all leave this place. How would she be able to practise being a Muslim when she lives with her family who don't approve of it. But despite it all, she is still hang on tight to it, even though it must have felt like she's holding on to a thorny branch. We have all the ease in the world to practise Islam in Malaysia, yet how many hardly bother to? Ironic isn't it? We have all the ease to stay on the rope, yet sometimes we purposely let go of it. We don't value and cherish what we have. And I fear that one day He may take it away from us if we continue the way that we had. Indeed, what is happening right now in Malaysia is going to get worst if we don't wake up and change.

Anyhow, it's officially 52 years today since our Independence. We may be free from being subservient to an external regime, but are we truly free right now? If we are, why do we still live in fear? It is definitely something for us to ponder.

In any case,

Happy 52nd Independence Day Malaysia!

Do you guys ever wonder...

What/where is your place in this life?

What is it that you are meant to do in this world?

What do you have to achieve before you leave this world?

I think I need to answer all these questions before I get back again on the carousel of life.

There is a sense of nostalgia now as I walked through the chilly air underneath a star-filled sky each night. Soon I shall leave this land behind. Soon I shall not see the rolling, green hills as I walk to class with rabbits jumping left and right.

I am still not sure yet how I would feel when I stepped away from this land. Perhaps just emotionless, as what I've grown to be now. Less painful that way.

But relief is what I really need right now.

Ramadhan is here again

It's Ramadhan again. I came to UK in Ramadhan, about 10 days before Raya last year, and now it's Ramadhan again. How time really flies.

Last Ramadhan was the most hectic time for me. Gosh, thinking back, I didn't know how I managed. Work was at the peak time for me, I was trying to complete as much as possible before I handed it over to another colleague(s) (was juggling a few projects at that time). Then there was the issue of trying to find tenant for my house. I think it was during Ramadhan or just before Ramadhan that I got one. And then having to do my passport, my student visa. I remember asking the guard at the visa center to let me go back to office for one hour because I had to attend a meeting, heh. Those were some of the craziest moments in my life. And then the packing, sigghh...dah la kena kosongkan office. Then had to kosongkan rumah as well. Then had to pack for what to bring to UK.

But through it all, I think a lot of things had been permudahkan oleh Allah. I am really thankful for that. When He gives you a rezeki, He will at the same time open the path for you.

I am thankful to Him that I get to fast with my friends in Lancaster this year; friends who have been like a family to me in this one year. And I look forward to submit my dissertation soon as well, insya Allah :)

Selamat berpuasa peeps. Mohon maaf atas segala kekasaran bahasa dan apa sahaja dari saya yang mungkin telah menyinggung perasaan mana2 pihak. To those that personally knows me, forgive me for all my wrongdoings and kalau ada terambil mana2 hak, harap dihalalkan. May this Ramadhan brings barakah to all of us, insya Allah.

Safe water

Early last week, we received notice that due to some maintenance work that was carried out, some air had gone into the water pipe, hence the water is not safe for drinking in the current moment and has to be boiled first. Last Friday though, we had an email from the residence college that says that the water is safe once more.

I am still at a loss on how does UK make their pipe water safe for drinking? Why can't the same process be applied in Malaysia???

My personal birthday gift

I have always been fascinated with Scotland; its clan, its cultures, its language. I love reading books that set its scene in Scotland and of Scottish people. When I first got to UK, it has been in my "list of things to do when in UK" to do a roadtrip to Scotland. Alhamdulillah, just before my birthday, I had the chance to do so.

Though my early ambition was to do a roadtrip up to Fort William, we had to make do with just visiting Edinburgh and Oban. But it was enough. Edinburgh was not as per my expectation. I didn't realize how crowded it was there, that the city I think has lost its beauty. Furthermore, I've always been more interested to see the countryside rather than the city. From Edinburgh we cross the whole Scotland from East to the otherside of the country, to the scenic little seaside town of Oban. I got to know about Oban from a friend's facebook album and fell in love with the natural beauty of the place. And Oban did not disappoint me. It was really beautiful. And the drive towards there were also wonderful. We stopped over at Stirling and Loch Lomond on the way and a few other scenic spots to take pictures. But truly, no camera can really capture the beauty of the place.

An old bridge in Stirling, Scotland

Loch Lomond, Scotland

One of many streams that we passed in the journey

View of the Highlands (err I think!)

Loch Long, Scotland

Beautiful Oban, Scotland

Not sure whom the quote is from, but I found it on a colleague's status this morning and I just love it.

"Faith makes everything possible,

Hope makes everything work,

Love makes everything beautiful.

May you have all the three as you begin each day."

090809 - Another milestone

It was the worst of times, it was the best of times.

It was my birthday last Sunday. Quite uneventful one. Decided only in the afternoon that maybe it will be nice to have a small makan2 with some close friends. My Malay friend helped to cook nasi goreng kampung dengan sambal ikan bilis (tetiba mengidam nak makan nasi goreng kampung, heh). Invited my Greek friend and one Indian friend from my course and one of my flatmates whom I am quite close to. My Greek friend brought the cake, and I had birthday wishes in 6 languages that day - English, Malay, Chinese, Greek, Hindi, and Punjabi. :)

I had gone through some worst times these past couple of months, and being human, during these times you start searching for THE path. TeaD, in a way, I could understand what you're going through. But I took a more difficult path than you (I think!) or at least the one less traveled. In my search, I have come to three conclusions:

1. I need to unlearn everything that I had already know and relearn it again
2. To go back to the fundamentals, go to the main source that we know is the most valid of all - the Quran and the Sunnah
3. To trust the ilmu and doa that you are always guided to the right ones.

Hence, based on the above, I no longer hold on to a single mazhab but I aim to beramal with the strongest of the dalil regardless whether it is Shafi'e, Hambali, Maliki or Hanafi. This will take more work for me, coz what I need to do is for each of my deeds, I need to learn and record what is the dalil of it and from whom did it came from. I aim to be able to say that "I am doing this particular act because of this specific dalil". Very ambitious I know, and I don't know yet whether it will be successful, but I think right now this is the safest way for me.

Because of this, I don't believe in having to berguru with ONE specific guru yang mursyid, which is what in Tasawwuf and Tarekat normally hold on to. Why should a person restrict him/herself to the knowledge of one particular guru? Can't we have trust in the knowledge of God that no matter who is teaching it, the truth of the knowledge will be there? It's like when u're learning mathematics, no matter who teaches it and in what language it is being taught, 2+2 will always be 4 and 5 x 2 is always 10. There may be a teacher who might teach it differently, hence why you should have as many teachers as possible so that you get more perspective and you learn more. What you may want to do is be selective of who you take as teachers.

Even so, right now, I have become very paranoid about any Islamic knowledge that I receive or hear. Everything that I get, I hold it at arms' length first and try to find ways to verify and double verify it.

Some people may not agree or even like what I am writing here. But this is my stance at the moment, one that I believe in.

It is the best of times because I have a different awareness about myself right now. Which I think is a good thing and I hope it continues. Hence, the birthday that I had dreaded before, I am embracing it with arms wide open.

ps: My birthday gift to myself this year was a roadtrip to Edinburgh and Oban, which I managed to sneak in between my schedule last week :)

Tagged!

Hasil penangan 'kenyitan mata' Ms B, maka dengan ini saya menjawab "tag"nya dari blog Pencinta Kopi Coklat, heh:

1. Bekas kekasih saya adalah:
*Skip* (Err, adakah perkataan ini perkataan Melayu? :p)

2. Saya sedang mendengar:
Bunyi kipas komputer riba

3. Mungkin saya patut:
Menyambung bacaan ilmiah saya, hmmm

4. Saya suka:
Mendengar ceramah Dr. Asri di Youtube.

5. Sahabat-sahabat baik saya:
adalah mereka yang sentiasa "ada" bersama saya, yang akan ambil kisah sekiranya terjadi apa-apa pada saya

6. Saya tak faham:
kenapa seseorang perlu berpura-pura.

7. Saya kehilangan:
nafsu makan ketika saya bersedih.

8. Ramai yang berkata:
hidup ini sementara, tetapi masih mengejar dunia seakan-akan boleh hidup selamanya. Malangnya, termasuklah saya sendiri.

9. Makna nama saya:
Madu yang dimakan oleh watak kartun Pooh ;)

10. Cinta itu adalah:
rezeki dari Allah, dan setiap pasangan perlu bekerjasama menjaga dan menyuburkannya bersama.

11. Di suatu tempat, seseorang sedang:
membaca jawapan saya ini, hehehe!

12. Saya akan cuba:
Menghabiskan menjawab kesemua tiga puluh soalan pada malam ini, tetapi kemungkinan besar terpaksa berhenti dulu, dan disambung di kemudian hari. :)


*****************
(Sambungan...)

13. Ayat SELAMANYA membawa maksud
Lagu kegemaran saya dari kumpulan Innuendo

14. Telefon bimbit saya:
Telah rosak kerana tenggelam dalam air sungai. Sekarang terpaksa menggunakan telefon pinjam

15. Bila saya terjaga dari tidur:
Saya memasang komputer riba :p

16. Saya paling meluat apabila:
Orang cakap tak serupa bikin dan sangat hipokrit.

17. Pesta/Parti adalah:
Bukan sesuatu yang saya gemari, kecuali jika ianya bersama orang-orang yang rapat dengan saya

18. Haiwan yang paling comel yang saya pernah temui ialah:
Dua ekor anak kambing biri-biri di Mongolia. Berwarna putih bersih dan macam anak anjing. Tersangatlah comel.

19. Peringkat umur yang paling menyeronokkan bagi saya ialah:
Waktu kanak-kanak.

20. Hari ini:
Saya telah pergi ke bandar untuk membeli barang keperluan.

21. Malam ini saya akan:
Menyambung penulisan saya. Diharap idea-idea yang bernas akan lebih banyak keluar pada malam ini, hehe

22. Esok pula saya akan:
Pergi menghadiri Usrah dan jamuan makan :)

23. Saya betul-betul inginkan:
Agar saya dapat menyiapkan sarjana saya ini secepat mungkin :p

24. Ketika saya lihat wajah saya di hadapan cermin pagi ini:
Saya memikirkan untuk keluar cepat pergi ke bandar.

25. Pusat membeli-belah atau arked permainan:
Pusat membeli-belah, terutamanya jika ada jualan murah :D

26. Makanan Barat atau Jepun:
Dua-dua, bergantung kepada selera.

27. Bilik yang terang atau gelap:
Bergantung kepada keperluan :p

28. Makanan segera adalah:
Sedap dan cepat, hehehe.

29. Ayat terakhir yang anda katakan pada seseorang?
"Thank you" kepada penjaga hostel ketika mengambil pakej darinya.

30. Siapa yang anda mahu tag?
TeaD.....muahahaha


Phewww....finally. Penat saya. hehehe.

I just found out my best friend is going to New York.

I wanna gooooooooooooooooo!!!!! :(

Dear Ms B....

I was going to answer Ms B's comment on my previous post, but then I thought, hey, why not I do it as a post instead, so can kill two birds with one stone. Ok tak Ms B? :)

To tell the truth, I have lots of things that I want to blog about, so many things are churning in my head right now. But there's this huge shadow behind me in a form of guilt that is preventing me from using the precious time to blog. You see, while two months have since past since I got my topic for the dissertation, I have yet to write one single word on it. Zero. Not even a title. Heck, I don't even have a Word document with the name Draft v1.0 pun. Teruk tak???? And I have just a little over one month to go! *biting my nails*

Well, to be fair to me though, I was doing my data gathering and research, and at least that is done. Sort of. Heh.

Don't ask me what happen in the last two months. I have no idea where the time go. Sigghh...I miss winter, when time felt like it hardly moved. (I'm a nocturnal person when I study hence why I love the long nights, hehe).

On top of it, I haven't even participated in the summer sale!!!!! Errr ok, that was before Wednesday. To my dear friend Noyarn, guess what??? After complaining to you early Wednesday morning hari tuh, that afternoon jugak I went to town and beli dua baju, dua seluar and dua kasut! Hehehe. Retail therapy, don't you just love it?! :)

But anyway, I had a good two days of studying. I've been going out to the library and management school to study these last two days and it seems to be more effective. Alhamdulillah, there seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel now. So, next week I need to meet my supervisor and will see whether he'll make the light bigger and brighter or put it out altogether :p.

But no worries, will try to steal some time to post some stuffs on the blog nanti. Maybe I'll start writing my dissertation in this blog instead, hehe. ;)


ps to Noyarn: about that problem about commenting in Blogspot, maybe you can checkout Verde's post on it coz she had the same problem and manage to solve it.

Malaysia drops English language teaching

It's been a while since I've read any newspapers, be it UK and Malaysian papers. But one headlines from my iGoogle Newsfeed caught my eye today:

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Malaysia drops English language teaching

Government says education policy failing to create global speakers

From The Guardian - http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/jul/10/malaysia-tefl

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It seems the Government's decision to revert to teaching Maths and Science in Malay again had gotten quite a huge media coverage.

I don't really understand what the fuss is all about. Frankly, I support the decision to revert if the teachers are not well-versed to teach in English. The objective of learning science and maths is that exactly - to learn to be able to do maths and understand the scientific concept. If you want the kids to learn English, then strengthen the English subject instead. Mathematics and Science are a language on its own, hence their concept do not change if you teach them using BM or English or Japanese or Arabic, etc. Look at Japan, the fastest developed nation in the world, did they obtained their technological advancement because they were taught maths and science in English? Heck no, in fact, they can barely speak any English. Yet they continue to dominate the technological world and even force other people to speak Japanese in order to deal and learn from them.

So, let's focus on the main objective - to teach the students Maths and Science. and get them to excel in them. Hence, teach them in the language that the teacher can be most effective in teaching them and in the language the student can grasp the knowledge well.

O Gentle One, be gentle with us

I am really in love with this song right now.
(It helps also that the singer is soo gorgeous...*sigghhh* :) )

Most importantly though, it has some good doas at the end, one of it is as per the title of this post: "Ya Latifu ultuf beena" (O Gentle One, be gentle with us)





Ohh...I'm back!! :)

Have a Kit Kat...

....will be on hiatus for a while.

The Ideal Muslimah

"The smart Muslim woman is one who strikes a balance between her external appearance and internal nature. She understands that she is composed of a body, a mind and a soul, and gives each the attention it deserves, without exaggerating in one aspect to the detriment of others. In seeking to strike the right balance, she is following the wise guidance of Islam which encourages her to do so."

- Taken from the book 'The Ideal Muslimah' by Muhammad Ali al-Hashimi.

A suicidal post :p

Kata ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar r.a:

“Rasulullah s.a.w memegang bahuku lalu bersabda: “Jadilah engkau di dunia ini bagaikan orang asing, atau seorang musafir”. (Riwayat al-Bukhari).

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Being in UK to some extent I felt how it is to be as above. Mungkin boleh dianggap sebagai kehidupan yang zuhud (cee, perasan, hehe). I buy only what is required. My pinggan mangkuk mula2 dulu consists of only one glass, satu pinggan untuk makan, satu mangkuk (for cereal) dan satu piring. And then ada orang sedekahkan mangkuk untuk makan maggi satu, (penting nih, heh). Only later I bought two more when I started having my friend over for lunch. I don't spend much on clothes as well esp. for winter clothes knowing that I will only be wearing it for a few months. I only splurge on stuffs that I know I can use it when I go back to Malaysia nanti.

While my action was just my practical way of thinking, when relating to the hadith above, it is quite a revelation for me. I did what I did because I know my stay here is temporary. But shouldn't I maintain the same way of thinking even when I go back to Malaysia? After all, isn't our lives here on earth is temporary as well?

While we are on the subject, have you ever thought about how you want to die? It is after all, a certainty that we have to face.
Too deep, no?
;)

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Ketahuilah bahawa (yang dikatakan) kehidupan dunia itu tidak lain hanyalah (bawaan hidup yang berupa semata-mata) permainan dan hiburan (yang melalaikan) serta perhiasan (yang mengurang), juga (bawaan hidup yang bertujuan) bermegah-megah di antara kamu (dengan kelebihan, kekuatan, dan bangsa keturunan) serta berlumba-lumba membanyakkan harta benda dan anak pinak; (semuanya itu terhad waktunya) samalah seperti hujan yang (menumbuhkan tanaman yang menghijau subur) menjadikan penanamnya suka dan tertarik hati kepada kesuburannya, kemudian tanaman itu bergerak segar (ke suatu masa yang tertentu), selepas itu engkau melihatnya berupa kuning; akhirnya ia menjadi hancur bersepai; dan (hendaklah diketahui lagi, bahawa) di akhirat ada azab yang berat (di sediakan bagi golongan yang hanya mengutamakan kehidupan dunia itu), dan (ada pula) keampunan besar serta keredaan dari Allah (disediakan bagi orang-orang yang mengutamakan akhirat). Dan (ingatlah, bahawa) kehidupan dunia ini tidak lain hanyalah kesenangan bagi orang-orang yang terpedaya.
(Surah Al-Hadid : 20)

Toxic Modern Beliefs

Taken from Sally Goerner's journal article - "Today's Copernican flip: how putting collaborative learning at the hub of human evolution improves our chances of survival."

It's getting hot in here

I am sweating.

I now feel pity for the people here (including me right now :p). You have to equip your house with heater AND air-conditioner here. And you can't even open the window due to the insects and pollens flying about.

My room being a university room only has the heater. I don't even have any fan. The only savior is the fact that the wall and the window glass are quite thick so at least the heat from outside doesn't get in that easily.

Even so, at 3am, I am sweating.
Who would have thought I would ever be in this condition here? Heh.

Weather was nice today and I decided to go study at the Computer Science faculty (it has a nice cafe there). Wore my skirt and my high heels. Terus rasa macam pegi ofis. Heh. Dah lama tak pakai macam tuh. Was in my jeans 98% of the time here.

I'm half looking forward to the bustle of office life, but anxious as well as I've heard some major changes had taken place in my previous department.

Should I contemplate finding experience in London instead? Ms B, any advice? :D

The bitter pill

"And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits; but give glad tidings to As-Sabirin (those who are patient). Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: "Truly, to Allah we belong and truly to Him we shall return.'' They are those on whom are the Salawat (i.e., who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His mercy, and it is they who are the guided ones."
(Surah al-Baqarah, verse 155-157)

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Have you ever given advice/motivation talk to another person and then realized you are talking to yourself as well? You find yourself handing out the bitter medicine to someone and realized it is the same bitter pill that you have to swallow yourself. I sincerely hope that the medicine will have positive effect on that other person. Mine I feel is still stuck in my throat.

Hujan rahmat di petang Sabtu

A bee seeking shelter under the leaves.

Alhamdulillah, we have a new sister :)

My friend has officially reverted, after the Friday prayers today. Guided by our Uztazah from Egypt, witnessed by several Muslim sisters from all over the world, she recited the syahadah three times. So she is now officially a Muslim.

May Allah ease her journey and give guidance to help her become a good Muslim. Ameen.


ps: Right now, she is a better Muslim than most of us (esp me!) for she is a brand new person, like a new born baby. Siggh...how I wish I could make my book all white and clean again.

Taking things for granted

I had mentioned to a friend recently that I learn the ilmu agama for my own amalan to ensure that I'm doing things right and to strengthen my faith.

So I had a bit of anxiety attack when a friend had expressed her desire to revert to Islam and wanted me to teach her how to solat. I mean, I know how to solat. I know all the doas. But do you know which is the compulsory ones and which is not? I know al-Fatihah is compulsory but is the doa in tahiyyat awal and akhir compulsory as well? Dah la tu pulak, most of the terms that I'm familiar with is in Malay. Nak kena jugak cari the English part. Even harder to teach because she has totally zero knowledge of Islam and cannot read the Quran at all. Alhamdulillah, so far she found it easy to follow.

She hasn't officially revert yet, but she has rejected totally her previous religious beliefs and has stopped doing things that she knows is haram in Islam. She has even stopped eating the normal chicken and plan to find the halal chicken from now on.

I am really, really happy for her, and happy that I could help her in her journey. It isn't easy for her, to suddenly discard what she had believe all her life, what her family still believe in. Yet, while there was so many things that worry her in taking this step, she is so positive and have strong faith that Allah will help her through all this. It really humbled me to see how strong she is and how strong her faith in Allah, even though she just found Him. And she is very eager to learn everything - to learn how to solat, to fast, etc. And she hasn't complained about one single thing that she has to do if she becomes a Muslim. She had even scrapped her plan to return to her hometown in mid August because it will be Ramadhan then and she's afraid she'll not be able to practice Islam if she go back.

I think that we take our religion too much for granted that we don't appreciate the gift that was given to us - the gift of being born Muslim, the gift of knowledge in Islam, and the gift of living in a practicing Muslim country. So we don't show our appreciation by practicing it as best as we could, don't alleviate our faith by learning and learning more about Islam, and we don't wear the badge of Islam with pride. In the past few weeks, I have been reminded how blessed I am to have these gifts. Besides my friend, I had also gotten to know one lady from Azerbaijan during my Tafseer classes. She is born a Muslim, but she lived in a country that doesn't allow her to practice. So she is eager to know all there is about being a Muslim. It is these encounters that had really humbled me. We need to guard our gifts, protect them and appreciate them lest Allah takes them away from us and gave them to a more deserving nation than us.


Note to self:
Learn not only for own benefit, but for the benefit of others as well.

Friends that you can have

I have two people in my class that I would consider to be my close friends here. My coffee buddies to be exact. One is a Greek girl while the other is an Arab from Saudi Arabia.

Before coming to UK, I had never thought that I would ever be talking to a Greek, much less be friends with one. To me then, Greeks were ancient people that lived in textbooks and mythology stories. So it felt quite a novelty for me to be talking to one. I got excited as well when my friend taught me the Greek's alphabets, which are the symbols that we used in our Maths and Physics equation. Ulu tak? Heh.

Meanwhile, my Arab friend had changed totally my perception of Arab women. She doesn't wear the abaya and niqab in UK, but though her clothes are quite modern, they properly cover her that she can just pray in them (which is what she normally does). She's like a normal girl, who loves watching movies, knows most of the popular songs, even worked as a Network Engineer. I would say she is quite like me in this sense, hence why we get on so well. But the more I got to know her, the more that I admire her. And I think that she is truly a blessed person. For one thing, she was born and grew up in Makkah. That alone had me green with envy, masya Allah. Recently, while we were studying together, she mentioned in passing that she memorizes the al-Baqarah. My jaw literally dropped. If someone I know tells me that he/she memorizes Yassin, I wouldn't have blinked an eye. But al-Baqarah??? The longest surah in the Quran?? Masya Allah, la haulawala quwwata illabillah.

Last night, after reading The Tea Drinker's post on him meeting the descendents of Sy Abdul Qadir Gailani r.a., it suddenly triggered me to ask her one question -

"Are you by any chance related to Bani Hashim?" I asked her last night.

"My mother is," she answered, oh so casually.

My jaw dropped again. Wow. I mean, really, wow. In my circle of friends, a blood relation of the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w.?? I am still in a daze over this recent knowledge.

She also told me that her mother is coming over to UK soon so I'll be able to meet her.

I am really, really looking forward to that.

TeaD, thank you, thank you for your post that had triggered me to ask this question. :D

Have you ever find yourself doing something for the sake of past history (your own, that is), yet realise you don't have the heart for it anymore? But, you still felt compelled to do it.

I went to watch Transformers 2 today. And I'm still questioning myself why I went.

Going against the world

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else, is the greatest accomplishment"

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Actually though, to be yourself in UK is relatively easy. People couldn't care less about you here - what you are, what you do, what you wear, etc. In fact, you have to make some effort to get people to notice you here.

It is quite liberating, albeit a bit weird at first. When you come from a society that expect you to conform to the general masses in terms of how you behave, what you wear, what you should/shouldn't have and how you think, it was a bit disorienting to find yourself on your own. You are who YOU decide to be.

One of the most important lesson that I learn here is in identifying myself as a Muslim. For some reason, our society in general have some anxiety issues about being a Muslim outside of Malaysia. The media propaganda of Muslims being terrorists and being hated by non-Muslims around the world had instilled this excessive fear in most people. I remember back in 2005 when I had to go to New York, one friend had advised me to wear a small scarf instead so not to look too Muslim. Another friend had also told me how he had advised his wife to not wear her tudung during their trip overseas. Besides this, I've known Malaysians who don't pray when travelling because there isn't any place to pray. On this note, I've learned a lot from my friend and classmate from Saudi. She is a Muslim and she is not afraid to be one in public. During winter, when zuhur and asar's time is very short, she normally used the 10 minutes break that lecturers normally gave us to pray in the class. She just go to one corner in the class and just pray, without caring that the whole class maybe watching her. But as mentioned, people here just don't care about what you do. It is actually all in your mind that they may be criticising you. In fact, they even showed respect by not making too much noise if they are near the place where she is praying. I myself have yet to be this strong and tend to find some secluded place to pray.

Another issue that is a challenge when living and being friends with non-Muslims are the food. We have to be strong enough to inform and educate them on what food we can eat and what we can't. And the good thing about the people here is that they respect your faith and belief. And at times go out of their way to actually accomodate you. Someone had recently organized a bbq, inviting around 20 people from my class. And because there are four of us that are Muslims, she decided to use the Halal chicken only. I was quite touched by her effort on that. But it showed me at least that if I'm strong and keep to my faith, Allah will provide the way.

I am concerned though about going back into the KL society again. Will I be able to maintain my independence and not be sucked into the never-ending rat race and kow-towing to the society 's demand on me again? Heavy thought. Hope I don't drown :p


ps: KFC had opened 8 restaurants in London to be of Halal status. McDonald's had one already and Subway has countless of them all over the country. Isn't it just wonderful to see how a non-Muslim country is slowly embracing the Islamic way of life? :)

A New Chapter - A reflection

I was reflecting to a friend recently how much fun I had in writing in my previous blog and how I'm struggling sometimes to find words to write in here.

I stopped blogging back in 2007 due to certain things that happened in my life back then. But upon receiving confirmation that I'll be coming to UK, I decided to start a new blog. This blog was supposed to document my new life journey as a student again and living in a totally new country on my own. Hence the name A New Chapter. But somehow, it didn't turn out that way. And I realized as well that my style of writing had now changed.

In my previous blog, it was more of me penning out events that happened in my life and putting down my thoughts and feelings on them. Now, I feel a certain reluctance in sharing my private life. What more those that concerns my feelings. In fact, I have even stopped making updates on my facebook. It has crossed my mind once or twice to delete my profile, but the thought of losing the link to my friends are what stopped me.

My writing is now more reflective. An influence from all the essays that I have to write for my Masters course, I guess. (I would like to think that it is a critical thinking work, but that would just be wishful thinking on my part :p). Maybe one day I'll try to put you guys to sleep by writing about systems thinking, which is the theme of my dissertation right now, hehe.

I've written about politics because I think the politics in our country is in a bad shape right now. Plus I absolutely detest people who are hypocrites and applying double standard, regardless of the right and wrong. So I do get a bit emotional on this. I've been talking about the weather a lot as well, maybe because I'm just fascinated by the inter-changeable weather that we have in UK. It still hasn't cease to amaze me how fast things can change here. And I think the locals feel the same way as well, that's why the easiest way to strike up a conversation with the locals here is just to comment on the weather.

I'm also trying to put into words my recent reflections and thoughts that have been occupying my life the past two months. Slowly, it will come. Right now I don't believe I am ready yet. I've made a mistake in entering a discussion with a close friend recently on things that I obviously had little knowledge of. Fortunately, he had the wisdom more than me to back out from it. Well, we live and learn. And I've realized that I have a lot to catch up on.

A New Chapter fits the blog and perhaps the new me, more than I had initially envisioned. Here's to a better me, insya Allah. And hopefully it will lead to better writing, better reflections.

Weather talk again! :p

I saw a friend's picture on facebook today, a picture that reminded me of rain. Suddenly, I'm feeling homesick. I love rain. I love the sounds that they make, especially when they fall on the roof of your house. I love the fresh, cool air that comes with the rain. I love the fresh smells that whiff from the rain (err, except if there's a kandang babi nearby :p). And I especially love it when you woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of pouring rain, and the air is getting cold that you have to snuggle yourself under a blanket, and then you let the sound of the rain lulls you back to sleep. There's a calm feeling that just settles around you.

In UK, it rains most of the times, but it is very light. It doesn't make any noise and it doesn't drench you. It keeps the air cool and fresh but it just doesn't have the same aura as the hard, pouring rain that we have in Malaysia. I do miss the rain. Plus, when the rain pours, that is one of the times that doa is mustajab. :)

ps: Err, do I sound like a Brit who can't talk about anything interesting but the weather? heh, scary thought :p

Crime and Us

Kejadian ragut di Malaysia is apparently becoming more rampant. According to the recent forum on Halaqah, the latest statistics from PDRM stated that between Jan 2009 to April 2009, there had been a total of 3437 reported cases. That brings to an average of 859 cases per month and a total of 28 cases per day! My God!! And apparently as well, these criminals are now so heartless, they'll do anything just to get a few ringgits worth of money.

Besides kes2 ragut, I've also heard of more crimes being committed on the road, esp by mat rempits. Recently, I read from a friend's status, that her colleague was stabbed in the neck. Alhamdulillah, I believe he is recovering right now.

I am now feeling quite anxious about coming back to Malaysia again. Is it still a safe place for us to live there? What has become of our country, of our people? What has become of the moral and akhlak of the citizens?

"Sesungguhnya Allah tidak mengubah apa yang ada pada sesuatu kaum sehingga mereka mengubah apa yang ada pada diri mereka sendiri" ( Surah Al-Ra'd: 11 )

Are we being too complacent in putting the whole responsibility for change on the country's leadership, that we forget it all has to start with ourselves? We see thousands of Malaysians now membuat demonstrasi here and there mengutuk kerajaan and what not, but of those thousands, how many are asking to the right source for change to happen? Berapa ramai yang balik dari demonstrasi terus solat dengan khusyuk dan berdoa "Wahai Tuhan kami, berikanlah kepada kami kebaikan di dunia dan kebaikan di akhirat dan peliharalah kami akan azab api Neraka." ?

Of those thousands that kept mengutuk kerajaan about rasuah and guna duit haram, how many of them check themselves everyday - adakah duit, makanan, pakaian, rumah dan segala harta datang dari sumber yang halal? Adakah kita ada ambil kesempatan membuat claim lebih dengan company? Adakah kita amanah dengan kerja kita dan kita yakin gaji kita adalah halal? Adakah kita telah membayar semua hutang pembiayaan pelajaran kita? Adakah pembiayaan rumah dan kereta kita mengikut pembiayaan Islam dan bukan dengan sistem riba? The implication of riba itself is serious but in Malaysia it is taken too lightly by most people. (Check out Uztaz Zaharuddin's blog for more detail on this.)

"Dan dirikanlah solat, sesungguhnya solat itu mencegah dari perbuatan-perbuatan keji dan mungkar" (Surah al-Ankabut: 45)

Based on this ayat, if everyone around us solat, we should be living in a crime-free world right? A world where everyone does good, and no one does any bad things. But we keep hearing of people yang solat lima waktu, tapi ambil rasuah. Solat, tapi mencuri. In this case, it goes back to the implementation of the solat itself and the life surrounding that person. Does the person solat dengan kusyuk dengan penuh pengharapan untuk menjadi hamba yang diredhai Allah? Adakah dia meminta dengan bersungguh-sungguh apabila dia mengucapkan "Tunjukkanlah kami jalan yang lurus" 17 kali sehari? Does he put aim in his heart to be a good muslim? Does he clear his life from eating and taking things that are haram? And does he ask, doa for Allah's help to make him a good Muslim?

“Dan apabila hamba-hamba-Ku bertanya kepadamu (Muhammad) mengenai Aku maka (beritahu kepada mereka): Sesungguhnya Aku (Allah) sentiasa hampir (kepada mereka); Aku perkenankan permohonan orang yang berdoa apabila dia berdoa kepada-Ku. Maka hendaklah mereka menyahut seruan-Ku (dengan mematuhi perintah-Ku), dan hendaklah mereka beriman kepada-Ku supaya mereka mendapat petunjuk.” (surah al-Baqarah: 186).

This is a reminder to myself untuk memperbaiki my solat, aim untuk khusyuk and istiqamah, clear my life of anything that is haram, find ilmu, learn Quran and aim untuk beramal dengannya. Insya Allah.

The weather went from a sunny 30degrees C to 10degrees C in a space of one week. That is UK weather for you :p

Of course in winter, I've experienced snow to light rain to sunshine in a space of an hour!

The weather here is soo unpredictable, Subhanallah.

UK Vote - a continuation.

My meeting with my supervisor has been postponed to Monday due to some misunderstanding of time. Sigghh...

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Anyway, just to clear some confusion (for I was myself confused :p), it wasn't a UK election but a European election instead. This is to elect the Members of European Parliament (MEP), which is one of EU's two legislative bodies. There are a total of 785 MEPs where 78 of them will be elected from Britain.

I don't think a lot of people bothered so much about the European elections here (well, in Lancaster at least). I don't see a lot of banners around. The only party that had made some effort is the Conservatives. I received their leaflet "Vote for Change" in my postbox, with their main cause to maintain/increase Britain's independence from EU's tight regulations and standardisation. They are even campaigning against changing the weight metrics from pound to kilogram! :p

What I found really interesting however is the fact that I get to vote as well even though I'm not a resident. I just wonder what would happen if the same policy is being applied in Malaysia. Probably every candidate will start throwing money at foreign students and immigrants like nobody's business. At least right now we know the money is being given to the legal citizens. One way of looking at the bright side of it, right? :p

UK Vote

It is voting day today. And surprise, surprise, I vote! My first time ever. And it's not even for my own country hehe.

I have some thoughts that I wanted to pen down on this. But will have to take a raincheck for now. Have some studies deadlines that I need to meet first :p.

I received a very sad news today. A friend, my Lancaster family member here had lost her mother just a few hours ago. It came as a shock to her as her mother had been well all this while. In fact, the mother was planning to come over to Lancaster in the next few months to witness the birth of her second child. My friend was overcome with grief. And those around her cried with her. During the emergency tahlil and solat jenazah that we had just now, not one person there could hold back the tears.

Her tears were mixed of sadness for the loss and the regret, rasa terkilan for not being able to see the mother for the last time. It is a feeling that all of us being in perantauan can empathise. Deep down, each one of us have this fear of losing a loved one while we are away from them. The fear that the last meeting we had a few months back would be the last that we will ever had. The regret that we may not have spend enough time together will be like nails that keep piercing our hearts.

For us though, it was only the possibility that haunts us. For her, it had become a reality.

Sabarlah wahai kawanku.

"Sesungguhnya kita adalah kepunyaan Allah dan kepadaNya jualah kita akan kembali."

Al-fatihah.

The best teacher

While we celebrate and wish our teachers Happy Teacher's day today, let's not also forget the best teacher that any person could have in his/her life - the parents.

Parents taught us how to be a human being - taught us to eat, to walk, to talk, to clean ourselves, to have manners and to have other crucial survival skills that we need to master to live in this world.

My parents are both working parents. I grew up being minded by the maid during the day. Yet I remember during the night, my mother would spend her time with me, reading me books and teaching me the alphabets. She instilled in me the love for books and for reading. I didn't go to any nursery. The first school that I went to is the compulsory pre-school when I was 6 years old. And I went into that school already knowing how to read.

By that time, my mother had also taught me to memmorize the important verses for solat like al-Fatihah and tahiyatul awal even though I was still too small to perform the solat. I remember watching her pray every night and sometimes I would follow her movement by her side. I remember back then, my father would call me to sit on his lap after his prayer to hear and say the doa with him. I remember going to the mosque every Ramadhan for the terawih prayers; sitting by the wall waiting for my mother when I was small and later praying with them when I was able to.

My parents were very strict about the food I eat. It is very rare for me to be able to eat junk food, even maggi. Every morning, she would make me eat half-boiled egg and drink milo. Later on, I managed to persuade her to switch my drink to light nescafe (yeah, i was a coffee drinker since small :p), but she would only allowed it if it was with powdered milk. No condensed milk for me. As a routine as well, my father will give some vitamins for me to eat in the morning. At night, the whole family including the maid would have dinner together. There was no TV in the dining room and no one was allowed to eat by him/herself in front of the TV. During dinner, my father would normally talked about what was on the news on that day.

My mother is very particular about manners - close your mouth when yawning, do not burp loudly in front of companies, do not interrupt when adults are speaking, do not walk in front of people when they are sitting down, say Alhamdulilah when sneezing or burping, and the list can go on from here.

My parents would always take time off during school holidays to take the whole family for a road trip. I was a very bad traveller then, as I was always having motion sickness when travelling in a car for long distance. Yet that never detered them to take me on any other road trips. It was mostly domestic travelling, but when they had some extra money, they would bring us for a trip overseas, to see how other people in other parts of the world lived. During these trips, my parents would teach us about the history of the place, of the people and the geographical significant of it. But the most important lessons that I learnt from them was that no matter where we went, no matter how difficult the situation maybe, they would always strive to perform solat within the allocated time. I remember performing solat underneath the stairwell in Heathrow, (back when there wasn't a prayer room yet), at the highway R&R in Europe, by the cold river in Scotland, and so on.

Where we travel normally depended on their financial situations and opportunities for that year. However, they had made a pact that when each of us (me and my siblings) finished our SPM, they would take us to Mekah for our Umrah. Alhamdulillah, they managed to fulfill that pact. Each one of us were brought to perform our Umrah after our SPM. And it was the best and most enlightening trip in my life.

To me, my parents are my best teacher, the one who taught me (in words, in action, in their approval/disapproval, and in their own actions and deeds) to be human, to have manners, to value education, to travel, and above all to put Islam as my compass in life. So on this Teacher's Day, I would like to dedicate my whole-hearted gratitude to them, while not forgetting other individuals and teachers that had helped to enrich my education throughout my life.

"My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young.''

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I had read once somewhere a story: One man, whose wife was expecting his first child, went to a pious and learned man to seek advice on the best way to bring up the child. The learned man replied, "If only now you ask that question, then you are already lost."

It brought up some important questions:

1. What do we want to teach our children?
   
2. What do we want them to have in order for them to be somebody worthwhile, somebody we can be proud of?
   
3. Do we have those knowledge within us right now for us to teach them?
   
4. What values do we want them to have?
   
5. Are those values the one that we carry with us right now?

Some may already be teachers for their own children already, while some, like me are still given the time to seek and evaluate our answers, ourselves to the above. I hope and I pray that I will be at least as good a parent/teacher that my parents had been to me. Ameen.

Spring for my heart

Spring is such a beautiful season. It is a season when all the trees, the plants and even the grass have flowers that bloom so beautifully. It is a pleasure to walk through grasses and trees and see the wonders that God have bestowed upon a land and its creatures that had gone through extreme cold weather. Just like a silver lining after the dark clouds, like rainbows after heavy rain.

I hope and pray that God will bestow upon me my own silver lining and rainbow for the dark clouds in my heart and in my life right now.

Finding my soul...

We are having a family day next weekend!!! :)

I'm not in the committee as I have 3 exams next week, and the last one would be on Friday, one day before the event itself. While I would have loved to offered to help, I don't think I could and should.

These past few days, I have been hanging out quite a lot at one Malaysian couple's place, who happen to be the main organizer for the event. I've been hanging out there a lot because a) she sells great Malaysian food, and b) I can't stand to be just by myself these past few days. It was just too...depressing. On the days that she didn't cook, I hang out at a colleague's place who happened to be alone as well since her husband just went back to his home country.

So, for the past few days, I've been listening to the details of the event, including the politics, the drama, the issues that went on within the committee. Today for some reason, it triggered something in me. It brought me back to the days when I was doing Tekad Kelantan. Gosh, I missed it. I missed the busy-ness of organizing something. Of trying to have everything in your head and at your fingertips. Of making decisions while running. I miss those moments. Not only that, I find that I'm even now missing my work and the demand that it had on me before. And that made me realize something: I am not made for inactivity. I am not made for sitting down and just doing research. I am a Planner and Doer. I need to do something that I can see afterwards the result of my hard work.

Now I know that my stint with academic work shall ends here, with just the Masters (which God willing I hope I'll do well). I may go into part-time teaching, but I don't think I'll ever attempt to do a PhD. I don't think I have the heart for it.

I think it is a good idea to send anyone in an organization that is close to burn out to do the Masters. I think it can serve to sharpen the appetite again for work. Like me. I am now rearing to go to work again. :)

Summertime

I am still not used to the days being longer. I somehow prefer the winter time, when it gets dark at 4pm and isya' is at 6pm. By 7pm, I would normally have finished eating dinner and prayed isya' and I have the whole night from 7pm to 12midnight to study. Today, I came back from playing ball with my friend and her two little boys and it's already 8.30pm and I haven't even cooked dinner yet. And the worst thing is that I have to sleep early so that I can wake up for Subuh which ends at 6.15am! And its going to get worst. In June, maghrib will be at 9.45pm and isya at 11.45pm while Subuh starts at 2.30am and ends at 5am! I foresee sleeping at 3am to ensure I don't miss the subuh prayer.

Political vicious cycle

Telegraph online today featured this article :

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Thailand's state of emergency: how we got here

A state of emergency has been declared in the Thai capital Bangkok by Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva. Here are some of the key dates in the political turmoil which has led the country to this point.

September 19, 2006: Protests by the People's Alliance for Democracy (PAD) help lead to a bloodless coup that ousts Thaksin Shinawatra, ushering in more than a year of military rule and sending him into self-imposed exile.

December 23, 2007: The People Power Party, comprised of Thaksin's allies, wins elections and forms a coalition government in February 2008.

May 25, 2008: The PAD movement relaunches street protests.

August 11: Thaksin and his wife Pojaman - who had returned to Thailand on February 28 - flee again, saying they will not get a fair trial on corruption charges.

August 26: At least 35,000 PAD protesters raid a TV station, surround three ministries and set up camp at the prime minister's Government House offices, demanding the premier resign.

September 17: Somchai Wongsawat, Thaksin's brother-in-law, is elected as premier after his predecessor Samak Sundaravej is forced out.

October 7: Police fire tear gas and clash with thousands of demonstrators who marched to parliament. Two people are killed and nearly 500 injured. It is Bangkok's worst street violence in 16 years.

October 7: Police fire tear gas and clash with thousands of demonstrators who marched to parliament. Two people are killed and nearly 500 injured. It is Bangkok's worst street violence in 16 years.

October 21: A court sentences Thaksin in absentia to two years in jail for conflict of interest.

November 20: One protester is killed and 29 injured in a grenade attack at the Government House protest site in the worst in a spate of explosions there. Another dies days later.

November 24: Up to 18,000 PAD supporters surround parliament and force the postponement of a key session.

November 25: After surrounding the old Don Mueang airport, being used as a temporary government office base, thousands of PAD supporters storm into the capital's main Suvarnabhumi Airport, forcing it to shut.

December 2: The Constitutional Court dissolves the People Power Party and two of its coalition partners over vote fraud, a ruling which forces Somchai out of office and bans him from politics for five years. In response, the PAD announce they will end their airport blockade.

December 15: British-born Abhisit Vejjajiva wins a parliamentary vote to become the kingdom's third prime minister in four months after horse-trading between opposition MPs and former allies of Thaksin.

December 28: Thaksin's supporters hold their first rally against Abhisit, moving on parliament a day later and forcing him to delay his maiden speech.

January 25: Thaksin makes his first televised address to supporters since his allies were ousted, accusing Abhisit's government of copying his populist policies.

March 26: Thousands of Thaksin supporters in trademark red shirts begin to mass in Bangkok to call for Abhisit and his government to step down and hold fresh elections. They are spurred on by Thaksin, who starts a series of almost nightly addresses to the crowd by telephone and video link.

April 10: Thaksin's supporters, already spread out across Bangkok, launch a separate protest in the beach resort of Pattaya, where 16 Asian leaders are meeting for a major summit.

April 11: Thousands of protesters storm the Asian summit venue, forcing its cancellation. A state of emergency is declared to enable foreign leaders to be evacuated - some by helicopter from their hotel roof.

April 12: A state of emergency is declared in Bangkok and its surrounding areas as new anti-government demonstrations spring up. Protest leader Arisman Pongreungrong is arrested.

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I followed the political situation in Thailand quite frequently coz I somehow feel that Malaysia's political situation right now is not that much different from Thailand, and that it may be a matter of time before it became as bad as that. Thailand has now gone through 3 prime ministers in the space of just a few months. Yet each time a PM was elected, there will be street protests. If one party wins, then the supporters of the other party will go to street. And vice versa. In the end, it will be just be a continuous loop coz it is never possible to please everyone.

A country can never prosper in this kind of situation. And ironically, when the country's economy goes down, the people will get even more angrier at the Government and do more violent protests. It is a vicious cycle, one I hope that Malaysia will never get into.

We had a new cabinet line-up last week. It looked hopeful and I am really hoping that they will serve the country well. I also hope that the opposition will let the Government do their work peacefully this time. Be a mature and constructive opposition and don't make protest just for the sake of making noise.

May Allah continually bless our country with peace and harmony. Ameen.

Will you take me to deeper conversation?

On being the loving me

A friend of mine sent me a link today to do a personality test. For some reason, after reading hers, I was interested to try it as well. And here's the result:

________________________________________________________

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

________________________________________________________

To some extent, it did manage to describe me accurately enough, but there's still some big holes to it.

I like serious, smart and determined person. But what I love more is someone who can make me laugh, who can engage me with his conversation and at the same time loves to listen to my stories as well, Most importantly, I want my soulmate, my other half to share the same values that I do.

The right job for me is doing something that inspires me, that allows me to learn new things, allows me to improve myself, and makes me look forward to go to work everyday. Great and inspiring colleagues are a must as well :)

I have an extreme view on success actually. Success to me is a combination of character, iman, strength of will, opinions, and ultimately his/her action and reaction. A person that does excellence work, have impeccable character and do all the right thing yet does not solat and neglect improving his/her faith is not yet a successful person in my eyes. Which is why I see a long, long journey to success for me.

What am I most afraid of? In some ways, it's true, I am afraid of having a rug pulled from my feet without me being ready for it. But that's not really the worst of my fears. I am more afraid of being indebted to another person. I can't stand it when a person turn on me and accuse me of being ungrateful. Especially if it is someone I trust and care about. I always believe that when a person does something for me, it was done dengan ikhlas. But I have had some bad experience on this that now I do try to avoid as much as possible asking for help unless I don't have any other choice. Having said that, on my side I don't mind helping others on something that I am willing and able to do, and insya Allah it will be done dengan ikhlas.

My true self can only be judged by those that are close to me and had seen me at both my best and my worst. Though I did remember one description given to me once long, long ago: that I am a rational person. :) I admit I have a quick temper and can be quite emotional at times, but I am never irrational. Just give me some time to cool down and explain to me in a rational voice, I will listen and consider your point of view.