When change is a constant thing

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France


The past two months had been a month of change. Too many of them that I am almost numb to them and not knowing how to react anymore. Alhamdulillah though, most of that changes had turn out to be great ones, with one or two on the low ends. Work, personal, family and friends have gone through some really major changes far awaaay from what i expected when I first came back.

I am happy and there are joy in my life; unexpected joy which I thought I had lost it once. Yet I can't help to still be wary, knowing how easy it had been to lose it.


When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl


I had regressed on my own effort to change. Alas, I had allowed myself to flow with the tide and now it had become much harder to swim against it. I need strength, of will and determination to continue this tough fight...against my own self.


I miss blogging, but the time and mood have not allowed me to do so.
I owe Ms B a post as well, which hopefully I can do so soon.

Kau doktor hatiku

Don't you ever wish there is such thing as a "heart" doctor?

I do. Ever since I realize that I don't really have total control of what is in my heart, I wish there is a person that I can go to - with tools, charts and antibiotics to make my heart as good as new.

I wish the person could scan my heart, show me what's it made of, then cut out all the bad feelings that I have. After that, he/she can give me "antibiotics" and exercise regime to make sure the problematic parts won't appear again.

Wouldn't this world be much better place if such person do exist?


We had one before, longgg before our times. Unfortunately, we were not among the chosen ones to receive his consultations directly.

The year that was

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

2009 had given me some of the best experience in my life, but it had also given me the most painful one as well.

Having the opportunity to spend 3 quarters of the year in UK was something that I had hoped for for years but never thought that it would come true. It was a dream that I had almost given up on. I still find it unbelievable that I had got it. The amazing thing about doing the Masters was not the course itself. But it was the whole package - the experience of being in UK, living there, interacting with culturally-diversed people and re-discovering yourself in a totally new environment. The experience was just priceless. I have always value self-improvement for I cannot stand for myself to be stagnant. Life is just too short for that. Surprisingly, I found enlightenment there in UK, more than I had when I spent a month of Ramadhan in Makkah 2 years back.This convinced me that The Light belongs to God, and that He decides who, when and where He will bestowed them. No, by enlightenment I don't mean that I am a saint now, but there is this new awareness inside me, a clearer view of right and wrong that wasn't there before. But I also realize that this is just a starting point. And the journey is still a long one. And I realize that the challenge of just keeping that Light alive is a struggle on its own. That Light though is what made me feel 2009 was the best of times for me.

But 2009 had also brought to me my most painful experience, the bleakest times so far in my life. It had taken me by surprise coz I never thought that that pain existed and that it could happen to me. It had subsided but there is still a fear in me of going through that pain again, knowing that it could be even worst than that. Once bitten, twice shy I guess. Unfortunately, that fear may stay with me even as I stepped into a brand new year.

I don't do resolutions. I stopped since my schooling years. Doesn't really work for me. What I normally do is envision what I want to see myself in the new year. This year though, I had started early. I did it as I entered the new age bracket back in August. Part of the 'enlightened' me I guess. And the vision is to be even more "enlightened" as the new year come and goes.

Let's pray for 2010 to be a better year for us in all aspects of our lives, insya Allah :)

Jadikanlah kami umatMu yang bersyukur Ya Allah..

Remember my friend who had reverted less than three months back?

Well, I am happy to announce that today, she had made her first fast :D :D :D

(She actually wanted to do it last week, but due to err technical issue, she wasn't able to hehe)

We have tazkirah everyday after iftar while waiting for isya' prayer and I'm really happy to see that she's taking in the teachings well. I sometimes worry that the Uztazah may touch on things that may be heavy for her still but so far alhamdulillah, topics like sabar, syukur, handling musibah, about doa and about akhlak were talked about. And she's absorbing them well. In fact last night I had even heard her telling her good friends who were not Muslims what she had learnt at the mosque that night.

She didn't had it easy these past few weeks. At one time, she was on the verge of giving up. You and I who are born Muslims would never get to really understand the stress that she faced - with families and friends who are not supportive of her decisions. Even worst, the guy (a Muslim) that she had put hopes on to guide her, had also abandoned her.

So it was wonderful to see her still hanging on tight to the rope of Islam, and it was humbling to me as well. She worries about what is going to happen in two weeks time, when we all leave this place. How would she be able to practise being a Muslim when she lives with her family who don't approve of it. But despite it all, she is still hang on tight to it, even though it must have felt like she's holding on to a thorny branch. We have all the ease in the world to practise Islam in Malaysia, yet how many hardly bother to? Ironic isn't it? We have all the ease to stay on the rope, yet sometimes we purposely let go of it. We don't value and cherish what we have. And I fear that one day He may take it away from us if we continue the way that we had. Indeed, what is happening right now in Malaysia is going to get worst if we don't wake up and change.

Anyhow, it's officially 52 years today since our Independence. We may be free from being subservient to an external regime, but are we truly free right now? If we are, why do we still live in fear? It is definitely something for us to ponder.

In any case,

Happy 52nd Independence Day Malaysia!

090809 - Another milestone

It was the worst of times, it was the best of times.

It was my birthday last Sunday. Quite uneventful one. Decided only in the afternoon that maybe it will be nice to have a small makan2 with some close friends. My Malay friend helped to cook nasi goreng kampung dengan sambal ikan bilis (tetiba mengidam nak makan nasi goreng kampung, heh). Invited my Greek friend and one Indian friend from my course and one of my flatmates whom I am quite close to. My Greek friend brought the cake, and I had birthday wishes in 6 languages that day - English, Malay, Chinese, Greek, Hindi, and Punjabi. :)

I had gone through some worst times these past couple of months, and being human, during these times you start searching for THE path. TeaD, in a way, I could understand what you're going through. But I took a more difficult path than you (I think!) or at least the one less traveled. In my search, I have come to three conclusions:

1. I need to unlearn everything that I had already know and relearn it again
2. To go back to the fundamentals, go to the main source that we know is the most valid of all - the Quran and the Sunnah
3. To trust the ilmu and doa that you are always guided to the right ones.

Hence, based on the above, I no longer hold on to a single mazhab but I aim to beramal with the strongest of the dalil regardless whether it is Shafi'e, Hambali, Maliki or Hanafi. This will take more work for me, coz what I need to do is for each of my deeds, I need to learn and record what is the dalil of it and from whom did it came from. I aim to be able to say that "I am doing this particular act because of this specific dalil". Very ambitious I know, and I don't know yet whether it will be successful, but I think right now this is the safest way for me.

Because of this, I don't believe in having to berguru with ONE specific guru yang mursyid, which is what in Tasawwuf and Tarekat normally hold on to. Why should a person restrict him/herself to the knowledge of one particular guru? Can't we have trust in the knowledge of God that no matter who is teaching it, the truth of the knowledge will be there? It's like when u're learning mathematics, no matter who teaches it and in what language it is being taught, 2+2 will always be 4 and 5 x 2 is always 10. There may be a teacher who might teach it differently, hence why you should have as many teachers as possible so that you get more perspective and you learn more. What you may want to do is be selective of who you take as teachers.

Even so, right now, I have become very paranoid about any Islamic knowledge that I receive or hear. Everything that I get, I hold it at arms' length first and try to find ways to verify and double verify it.

Some people may not agree or even like what I am writing here. But this is my stance at the moment, one that I believe in.

It is the best of times because I have a different awareness about myself right now. Which I think is a good thing and I hope it continues. Hence, the birthday that I had dreaded before, I am embracing it with arms wide open.

ps: My birthday gift to myself this year was a roadtrip to Edinburgh and Oban, which I managed to sneak in between my schedule last week :)

A suicidal post :p

Kata ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar r.a:

“Rasulullah s.a.w memegang bahuku lalu bersabda: “Jadilah engkau di dunia ini bagaikan orang asing, atau seorang musafir”. (Riwayat al-Bukhari).

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Being in UK to some extent I felt how it is to be as above. Mungkin boleh dianggap sebagai kehidupan yang zuhud (cee, perasan, hehe). I buy only what is required. My pinggan mangkuk mula2 dulu consists of only one glass, satu pinggan untuk makan, satu mangkuk (for cereal) dan satu piring. And then ada orang sedekahkan mangkuk untuk makan maggi satu, (penting nih, heh). Only later I bought two more when I started having my friend over for lunch. I don't spend much on clothes as well esp. for winter clothes knowing that I will only be wearing it for a few months. I only splurge on stuffs that I know I can use it when I go back to Malaysia nanti.

While my action was just my practical way of thinking, when relating to the hadith above, it is quite a revelation for me. I did what I did because I know my stay here is temporary. But shouldn't I maintain the same way of thinking even when I go back to Malaysia? After all, isn't our lives here on earth is temporary as well?

While we are on the subject, have you ever thought about how you want to die? It is after all, a certainty that we have to face.
Too deep, no?
;)

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Ketahuilah bahawa (yang dikatakan) kehidupan dunia itu tidak lain hanyalah (bawaan hidup yang berupa semata-mata) permainan dan hiburan (yang melalaikan) serta perhiasan (yang mengurang), juga (bawaan hidup yang bertujuan) bermegah-megah di antara kamu (dengan kelebihan, kekuatan, dan bangsa keturunan) serta berlumba-lumba membanyakkan harta benda dan anak pinak; (semuanya itu terhad waktunya) samalah seperti hujan yang (menumbuhkan tanaman yang menghijau subur) menjadikan penanamnya suka dan tertarik hati kepada kesuburannya, kemudian tanaman itu bergerak segar (ke suatu masa yang tertentu), selepas itu engkau melihatnya berupa kuning; akhirnya ia menjadi hancur bersepai; dan (hendaklah diketahui lagi, bahawa) di akhirat ada azab yang berat (di sediakan bagi golongan yang hanya mengutamakan kehidupan dunia itu), dan (ada pula) keampunan besar serta keredaan dari Allah (disediakan bagi orang-orang yang mengutamakan akhirat). Dan (ingatlah, bahawa) kehidupan dunia ini tidak lain hanyalah kesenangan bagi orang-orang yang terpedaya.
(Surah Al-Hadid : 20)

A New Chapter - A reflection

I was reflecting to a friend recently how much fun I had in writing in my previous blog and how I'm struggling sometimes to find words to write in here.

I stopped blogging back in 2007 due to certain things that happened in my life back then. But upon receiving confirmation that I'll be coming to UK, I decided to start a new blog. This blog was supposed to document my new life journey as a student again and living in a totally new country on my own. Hence the name A New Chapter. But somehow, it didn't turn out that way. And I realized as well that my style of writing had now changed.

In my previous blog, it was more of me penning out events that happened in my life and putting down my thoughts and feelings on them. Now, I feel a certain reluctance in sharing my private life. What more those that concerns my feelings. In fact, I have even stopped making updates on my facebook. It has crossed my mind once or twice to delete my profile, but the thought of losing the link to my friends are what stopped me.

My writing is now more reflective. An influence from all the essays that I have to write for my Masters course, I guess. (I would like to think that it is a critical thinking work, but that would just be wishful thinking on my part :p). Maybe one day I'll try to put you guys to sleep by writing about systems thinking, which is the theme of my dissertation right now, hehe.

I've written about politics because I think the politics in our country is in a bad shape right now. Plus I absolutely detest people who are hypocrites and applying double standard, regardless of the right and wrong. So I do get a bit emotional on this. I've been talking about the weather a lot as well, maybe because I'm just fascinated by the inter-changeable weather that we have in UK. It still hasn't cease to amaze me how fast things can change here. And I think the locals feel the same way as well, that's why the easiest way to strike up a conversation with the locals here is just to comment on the weather.

I'm also trying to put into words my recent reflections and thoughts that have been occupying my life the past two months. Slowly, it will come. Right now I don't believe I am ready yet. I've made a mistake in entering a discussion with a close friend recently on things that I obviously had little knowledge of. Fortunately, he had the wisdom more than me to back out from it. Well, we live and learn. And I've realized that I have a lot to catch up on.

A New Chapter fits the blog and perhaps the new me, more than I had initially envisioned. Here's to a better me, insya Allah. And hopefully it will lead to better writing, better reflections.

Crime and Us

Kejadian ragut di Malaysia is apparently becoming more rampant. According to the recent forum on Halaqah, the latest statistics from PDRM stated that between Jan 2009 to April 2009, there had been a total of 3437 reported cases. That brings to an average of 859 cases per month and a total of 28 cases per day! My God!! And apparently as well, these criminals are now so heartless, they'll do anything just to get a few ringgits worth of money.

Besides kes2 ragut, I've also heard of more crimes being committed on the road, esp by mat rempits. Recently, I read from a friend's status, that her colleague was stabbed in the neck. Alhamdulillah, I believe he is recovering right now.

I am now feeling quite anxious about coming back to Malaysia again. Is it still a safe place for us to live there? What has become of our country, of our people? What has become of the moral and akhlak of the citizens?

"Sesungguhnya Allah tidak mengubah apa yang ada pada sesuatu kaum sehingga mereka mengubah apa yang ada pada diri mereka sendiri" ( Surah Al-Ra'd: 11 )

Are we being too complacent in putting the whole responsibility for change on the country's leadership, that we forget it all has to start with ourselves? We see thousands of Malaysians now membuat demonstrasi here and there mengutuk kerajaan and what not, but of those thousands, how many are asking to the right source for change to happen? Berapa ramai yang balik dari demonstrasi terus solat dengan khusyuk dan berdoa "Wahai Tuhan kami, berikanlah kepada kami kebaikan di dunia dan kebaikan di akhirat dan peliharalah kami akan azab api Neraka." ?

Of those thousands that kept mengutuk kerajaan about rasuah and guna duit haram, how many of them check themselves everyday - adakah duit, makanan, pakaian, rumah dan segala harta datang dari sumber yang halal? Adakah kita ada ambil kesempatan membuat claim lebih dengan company? Adakah kita amanah dengan kerja kita dan kita yakin gaji kita adalah halal? Adakah kita telah membayar semua hutang pembiayaan pelajaran kita? Adakah pembiayaan rumah dan kereta kita mengikut pembiayaan Islam dan bukan dengan sistem riba? The implication of riba itself is serious but in Malaysia it is taken too lightly by most people. (Check out Uztaz Zaharuddin's blog for more detail on this.)

"Dan dirikanlah solat, sesungguhnya solat itu mencegah dari perbuatan-perbuatan keji dan mungkar" (Surah al-Ankabut: 45)

Based on this ayat, if everyone around us solat, we should be living in a crime-free world right? A world where everyone does good, and no one does any bad things. But we keep hearing of people yang solat lima waktu, tapi ambil rasuah. Solat, tapi mencuri. In this case, it goes back to the implementation of the solat itself and the life surrounding that person. Does the person solat dengan kusyuk dengan penuh pengharapan untuk menjadi hamba yang diredhai Allah? Adakah dia meminta dengan bersungguh-sungguh apabila dia mengucapkan "Tunjukkanlah kami jalan yang lurus" 17 kali sehari? Does he put aim in his heart to be a good muslim? Does he clear his life from eating and taking things that are haram? And does he ask, doa for Allah's help to make him a good Muslim?

“Dan apabila hamba-hamba-Ku bertanya kepadamu (Muhammad) mengenai Aku maka (beritahu kepada mereka): Sesungguhnya Aku (Allah) sentiasa hampir (kepada mereka); Aku perkenankan permohonan orang yang berdoa apabila dia berdoa kepada-Ku. Maka hendaklah mereka menyahut seruan-Ku (dengan mematuhi perintah-Ku), dan hendaklah mereka beriman kepada-Ku supaya mereka mendapat petunjuk.” (surah al-Baqarah: 186).

This is a reminder to myself untuk memperbaiki my solat, aim untuk khusyuk and istiqamah, clear my life of anything that is haram, find ilmu, learn Quran and aim untuk beramal dengannya. Insya Allah.

On being the loving me

A friend of mine sent me a link today to do a personality test. For some reason, after reading hers, I was interested to try it as well. And here's the result:

________________________________________________________

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

________________________________________________________

To some extent, it did manage to describe me accurately enough, but there's still some big holes to it.

I like serious, smart and determined person. But what I love more is someone who can make me laugh, who can engage me with his conversation and at the same time loves to listen to my stories as well, Most importantly, I want my soulmate, my other half to share the same values that I do.

The right job for me is doing something that inspires me, that allows me to learn new things, allows me to improve myself, and makes me look forward to go to work everyday. Great and inspiring colleagues are a must as well :)

I have an extreme view on success actually. Success to me is a combination of character, iman, strength of will, opinions, and ultimately his/her action and reaction. A person that does excellence work, have impeccable character and do all the right thing yet does not solat and neglect improving his/her faith is not yet a successful person in my eyes. Which is why I see a long, long journey to success for me.

What am I most afraid of? In some ways, it's true, I am afraid of having a rug pulled from my feet without me being ready for it. But that's not really the worst of my fears. I am more afraid of being indebted to another person. I can't stand it when a person turn on me and accuse me of being ungrateful. Especially if it is someone I trust and care about. I always believe that when a person does something for me, it was done dengan ikhlas. But I have had some bad experience on this that now I do try to avoid as much as possible asking for help unless I don't have any other choice. Having said that, on my side I don't mind helping others on something that I am willing and able to do, and insya Allah it will be done dengan ikhlas.

My true self can only be judged by those that are close to me and had seen me at both my best and my worst. Though I did remember one description given to me once long, long ago: that I am a rational person. :) I admit I have a quick temper and can be quite emotional at times, but I am never irrational. Just give me some time to cool down and explain to me in a rational voice, I will listen and consider your point of view.

End with the old, in with the new.

It is now Week 2 of Term 2. Last Friday was the final submission date for the final assignment of the modules in Term 1, even though Term 2 had already started. That's the UK system for you. The 4 weeks holiday given are not for you to spend them partay-ing. The expect you to bury your head into the books. :p I had 3 assignments and 1 exam to study for for the holiday. But I did manage to sneak off to Southern Spain and shopping sakan on Boxing Day in Glasgow, muahahaha :D

Yup, the blog was on hiatus for a while, partly due to the hectic 2 weeks before the holiday where a few of the assignments were due (especially the killer "Informating" essay), another part would be my trip to Spain and Glasgow, and lastly of course the 3 weeks of completing the last 3 assignments and exam for term 1. I feel like I've been writing essays for ages already.

The worst part was that on the day that I submitted the final assignment i.e. last Friday, we got the result for the killer essay. It wasn't good. Well, 3/4 of the class got about the same marks for the essay, so it can be considered an average score. Even the lecturer said it was a good mark, haha. Funny. The good thing though, after meeting up with the lecturer, I know what mistakes that I made, what should I improve on. Given that this was my first attempt at academic writing, I guess I have to give myself a break. Plus, he said mine was among the better ones for that particular topic (I hope that wasn't just lip service :p).

New year came quietly for me this year. I hardly noticed it at all as my calendar is now based on the academic calendar, hehe. I spent the whole day in the room doing my assignment. I haven't celebrate new year for quite some time now, and have stopped doing all the new year resolution thingy for ages. It had never worked for me anyway, :p. What I normally did though, was to identify my focus for the new year. This helped to shape my behaviour and what I'd do for that year.

Last new year was a turbulent time for me. I couldn't recall what was the trigger. But I remember the sense of being lost, being lonely, being restless and being stagnant. Like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Like being on a straight road in the middle of the desert, not knowing when will be the end and whether there will be change of scenery. Like a never-ending emptiness in front of you. It was a defining moment for me. A paradigm shift. Multiple ones. I found myself creating possibilities in my head that I would never consider before. During that time, I had almost changed my job, something I never see myself doing, at least not for another 5 years. I found myself considering the idea of renting out my apartment, something I never I thought I would do at all, given how much I love my place. I had even thought about going to work overseas, haha. But I think that was just wishful thinking. I don't think I am that good to be hired by an overseas company. And I think it will be just too lonely to do so.

Allah Maha Kaya and Maha Mengetahui. He had already made plans for us all. A few weeks into the new year, a friend told me about an opening for a scholarship to do Masters program in UK. I was quite hesitant initially. While doing my Masters was something that I had dreamt of for a long time already, there had never been an opportunity for it. And I had kind of buried it for a while. Buried, but never forgotten though. However, it was still a big step for me to do it at this stage, to uproot myself for a year to go study in UK, what with all my commitments, work, financial, personal, etc. But with taufiq dan hidayah dari Allah, He showed me the way. And He also gave me the strong support from my loved ones and my boss that had helped strengthened my resolve. Now, I felt like I'm on a new road with a new scenery. The possibilities of what this journey will give me is just endless. My hope is that I can experience them all and go out at the other end a better person.

I am still in that journey. This new year will be about learning, taking and experiencing as much as possible and become an improved person in all aspects - a more mature and respected individual, a more contributing member of the community and a more knowledgeable IT professional. To my loved ones, I hope they'll accept me and love me as much as before.

Of being here..

J asked me recently, how do I like living in UK? And my answer was, "Best." Probably not a good answer to your boyfriend who's thousand of miles away from you, heh. But that's me I guess, honest to a fault at times.

"Best" though is very subjective. Another person living my life here now in this godforesaken place may be screaming to go home within a week! In fact, shortly before I came here, a friend of a friend had warned me that I'm going to be living a life of impending boredom here.

But I think it depends on what you look for to make you happy.

And what I wanted to do was to get down from the "merry-go-round of my current life" and just walk in the park or sit down and just read a book. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. Alhamdulillah, things have been great for me. It's just that, it feels too much like, well like a merry-go-round, it just goes round the circle and seems to go nowhere.

Being here, to some degree is quite liberating. It's as though you are charting new path(s) in life. Suddenly you have dreams again. You can choose what you want to be. And you can choose who you want to be.

I like that last part the most i.e. a chance to re-invent myself. It is as close to the opportunity to being "re-born", to put it in an extreme. Whether you emerged a different person is another thing altogether. Probably you will end up being your most comfortable self again. But the possibility of it is just exciting.

I am loving it here for the fact that my life now feels like it has a purpose, a goal. I love the fact that I am learning new things, not only in the classroom, but new things in life itself, and learning new things about myself as well. And I am loving the fact that I get to make changes to myself, improve myself and be a better person, hopefully.

So, yes, I am loving it here. Do I want to stay here for more than a year? Most probably not. But will I get on that merry-go-round again, that remains to be seen.

Friendship Hole

One thing that I really missed in being here is the feeling of togetherness with another person. At different periods in my life, I had always been blessed in having someone close with me, whom I had fun with, laugh with and cried with. Even as a child. My childhood was filled with memories of the times with Yaya, my childhood friend whom I practically grew up with. I think from the time that I became aware of myself, she had already been there with me. We went through the learning process together, from riding a bike, to playing badminton, as well as testing our limits and our rules together. We learnt which rules to break and which rules that can be bend. And which that can really get us into trouble. :) We were the best of friends, yet we were also the best of enemies, always in competition with one another.

We grew apart though when I moved to KL.

In primary 6, I had Dilla as my best friend and in secondary I had Azlin.

The only time that I did not have one was when I was in Perlis. Maybe that's why I wasn't very happy living there, heh.

UTP was just blissed cause we were basically close with almost everyone. And we had fun all the way. But I've learnt that I'm the type that likes to have a deeper and personal relationship with a person. A person that you can share your life with at that particular time. And I had that with Nadia as well as with Didie then.

And later, with Ayu, Nurli, Eta and Elya as well.

I think I am missing that right now. Maybe it's just too early for it, well I have not even been here for more than a month! But that is the hole that I felt in my life right now.

Unfortunately, letting someone in your life is not as easy as it was before.