I am not unhappy.
Does that mean I am happy?
How do we define happiness?
Wednesday, April 14, 2021
Thursday, April 1, 2021
Wednesday, August 26, 2020
Monstrous change
A friend recently said that change is like a monster. That’s why we’re scared of them.
Right now, I have a few of these “monsters” raging around me that I feel like the earth under my feet is crumbling away.
That’s how unbalanced and out of control I feel right now.
Career, life, future - so many that’s waiting on my decision that is unraveling me.
The most crazy one is a recent event of finding a prospect retirement place by the beachside in a middle of a kampung. The place was beautiful and the idea is exciting. But the scary thought running in my head was of me being left alone there. I felt so, so alone that it was unbearable.
I am questioning everything about me - my self worth, my identity, my path.
It’s been awhile since I’ve felt this scared and off-balance.
Monday, August 10, 2020
Shades of grey
“Don’t define your world in black and white.
Because there are so much hiding in the greys”
Embracing the greyness takes courage. Stepping into the unknown takes bravery.
Time to just PAUSE and REFLECT.
Saturday, July 25, 2020
When change is the only constant in life
“In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or step back into safety.” - Abraham Maslow
Yet, it’s hard to not fear the unknown, to fear facing the endless what-ifs and possibilities of regrets of the decisions we made today.
Taking strengths from the wise words of these men/women:
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
Lao Tzu
“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.”
C. JoyBell C.
At the end of the day though, it is what Mandy Hale says that really resonates with me....
“Change is painful, but nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.”
Friday, July 24, 2020
How Did You Die? (Edmund Vance Cooke)
Did you tackle that trouble that came your way
With a resolute heart and cheerful?
Or hide your face from the light of day
With a craven soul and fearful?
...You are beaten to earth? Well, well, what's that?
Come up with a smiling face...
The harder you're thrown, why the higher you bounce;
Be proud of your blackened eye!
It isn't the fact that you're licked that counts,
It's how did you fight -- and why?
And though you be done to the death, what then?
...It isn't the fact that you're dead that counts,
But only how did you die?
Monday, March 23, 2015
Another milestone
Her CVL has been removed a moment ago. Alhamdulillah. Another milestone out of many more to come.
Relieved and nervous - a mixed feeling for I have known the convenience that it had afford my daughter. It kept her comfortable throughout her treatment that involved daily bloodtaking, transfusion and multiple doses of drugs infused into her.
The creation of CVL is truly a mercy from God, especially for small babies like her.
For the removal, doctor had to set the branular to give her sedation. We hope and pray that will be the last that she'll ever need for the rest of her life. Insya Allah.
Ps: Today is day +81.
Relieved and nervous - a mixed feeling for I have known the convenience that it had afford my daughter. It kept her comfortable throughout her treatment that involved daily bloodtaking, transfusion and multiple doses of drugs infused into her.
The creation of CVL is truly a mercy from God, especially for small babies like her.
For the removal, doctor had to set the branular to give her sedation. We hope and pray that will be the last that she'll ever need for the rest of her life. Insya Allah.
Ps: Today is day +81.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Being SAHM
It's Friday.
Being at home, you look forward to evening when your hubby comes home and you can be family again.
I guess that's how my kids feel as well when I came home from work.
My leave is ending soon and I have mixed feelings about it. I do enjoy taking care of my kids at home and layan their antics. But I feel that if I continue being SAHM, I will lose myself. My life will only be about the children. I hardly even have time to blog.
It won't be easy to go back to work again. I need to reflect back what I truly want in life.
Being at home, you look forward to evening when your hubby comes home and you can be family again.
I guess that's how my kids feel as well when I came home from work.
My leave is ending soon and I have mixed feelings about it. I do enjoy taking care of my kids at home and layan their antics. But I feel that if I continue being SAHM, I will lose myself. My life will only be about the children. I hardly even have time to blog.
It won't be easy to go back to work again. I need to reflect back what I truly want in life.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Day +60
60 days post transplant.
22 days since we finally left the hospital.
But the journey is far from over.
She is still on 3 meds - CSA, UDC and Acciclovir. She has weekly checkup with the doctor for bloodworks and CVL dressing.
She is strictly on the following diet: no raw food, no plants, no pets and no visitors.
Other than that, she looks healthy, alhamdulillah.
22 days since we finally left the hospital.
But the journey is far from over.
She is still on 3 meds - CSA, UDC and Acciclovir. She has weekly checkup with the doctor for bloodworks and CVL dressing.
She is strictly on the following diet: no raw food, no plants, no pets and no visitors.
Other than that, she looks healthy, alhamdulillah.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Day +31
Its day +31 of the transplant today. This means that she is now in the 3rd stage of the bone marrow transplant which is the post engraftment period. This stage is until day +100.
In this 3rd stage, it is about protecting from infection and praying that there won't be any signs of GVHD. And of couse that the marrow will continue to engraft well.
So far, the engraftment has been progressing well alhamdulillah, albeit some yoyo effect. But doctor seems fine with it, and told us to be patient while it stabilized. Hana had 4 days of no platlet transfusion, until yesterday when it dropped to 9 again. Well, at least it didn't dropped as drastically as when she was on daily transfusion. Am still hoping that yesterday will be the last transfusion that she'll ever need.
Doctor is targeting to discharge her on Wednesday, 2 days away and 2 days before her 1st birthday. However, I think that we would like to have her platlet stabilized first before we really go home.
Time moves faster now, unlike the first 2 weeks of the transplant when time seems to just crawl.
Alhamdulillah that we can already talk about going back.
In this 3rd stage, it is about protecting from infection and praying that there won't be any signs of GVHD. And of couse that the marrow will continue to engraft well.
So far, the engraftment has been progressing well alhamdulillah, albeit some yoyo effect. But doctor seems fine with it, and told us to be patient while it stabilized. Hana had 4 days of no platlet transfusion, until yesterday when it dropped to 9 again. Well, at least it didn't dropped as drastically as when she was on daily transfusion. Am still hoping that yesterday will be the last transfusion that she'll ever need.
Doctor is targeting to discharge her on Wednesday, 2 days away and 2 days before her 1st birthday. However, I think that we would like to have her platlet stabilized first before we really go home.
Time moves faster now, unlike the first 2 weeks of the transplant when time seems to just crawl.
Alhamdulillah that we can already talk about going back.
Does this ever happen to anyone else?
I make it a point to read a few verses of Quran daily, and many times, the verses answered/discussed the same topic that was playing in my head.
It happen to me a few times but didn't think much of it. But today, just stunned me.
Last night and early this morning, I had replied to a post by my friend, who is a Christian and we end up discussing a bit on the Bible and the Quran.
Just now, I was reading surah Al-'Ankabut and I got to these 2 verses:
Quran 29:46 - And do not argue with the People of the Scripture except in the best manner possible, except those who do wrong among them. And say, "We believe in what was revealed to us, and in what was revealed to you; and our God and your God is One; and to Him we are submissive."
Quran 29:47 - Likewise, We revealed to you the Scripture. Those to whom We gave the Scripture believe in it, and some of these believe in it. None renounce Our communications except the disbelievers.
Subhanallah.
I make it a point to read a few verses of Quran daily, and many times, the verses answered/discussed the same topic that was playing in my head.
It happen to me a few times but didn't think much of it. But today, just stunned me.
Last night and early this morning, I had replied to a post by my friend, who is a Christian and we end up discussing a bit on the Bible and the Quran.
Just now, I was reading surah Al-'Ankabut and I got to these 2 verses:
Quran 29:46 - And do not argue with the People of the Scripture except in the best manner possible, except those who do wrong among them. And say, "We believe in what was revealed to us, and in what was revealed to you; and our God and your God is One; and to Him we are submissive."
Quran 29:47 - Likewise, We revealed to you the Scripture. Those to whom We gave the Scripture believe in it, and some of these believe in it. None renounce Our communications except the disbelievers.
Subhanallah.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
It's day +20 today.
Day 0 to day +15 has to be the longest 2 weeks of my life. Never have I felt time moved so slowly as that two weeks.
The first week, she was suspected to have mucositis. We couldn't detect any blisters but she suddenly stopped breastfeeding. Only a mother would understand how heartbreaking and worried I was then. Doctor immediately prescribed her Morphine to ensure she is not in pain.
In week 2, on day +10, finally came the good news that the marrow had start engrafting. But our relief and joy was overtaken by news of a serious side effect from the Chemo drug, the veno occlusive disease (VOD). VOD in layman term is the dysfunction of the liver that caused the liver to enlarged and body unable to excrete fluids. Her liver had enlarged from 4cm to 8cm and gained 1kg of weight due to the accumulation of fluids. She was all puffy, the poor dear and had to begiven some drugs to help her pee out the water from her body.
Doctor had to start her on Defibriotide - the expensive drug meant for VOD. Alhamdulillah, with Allah's will, we finally saw the effect from the drug a week later. At day +20, the liver is now at 5cm. Hoping it will shrink further tomorrow.
At times it felt like a scene from House where one symptom after another starts appearing. The comforting thing is that the symptoms are somewhat expected by the doctor hence they are prepared with the necessary interventions, alhamdulillah.
Tomorrow is another milestone for Hana. Tomorrow, the doctor plans to convert all her meds to oral instead of through IV. With that, she will be free to walk around (be carried around the room that is) and no longer be tied to the machine. This is an important step before doctor can finally discharge her from the hospital.
Therein begins a new challenge for us.
The first week, she was suspected to have mucositis. We couldn't detect any blisters but she suddenly stopped breastfeeding. Only a mother would understand how heartbreaking and worried I was then. Doctor immediately prescribed her Morphine to ensure she is not in pain.
In week 2, on day +10, finally came the good news that the marrow had start engrafting. But our relief and joy was overtaken by news of a serious side effect from the Chemo drug, the veno occlusive disease (VOD). VOD in layman term is the dysfunction of the liver that caused the liver to enlarged and body unable to excrete fluids. Her liver had enlarged from 4cm to 8cm and gained 1kg of weight due to the accumulation of fluids. She was all puffy, the poor dear and had to begiven some drugs to help her pee out the water from her body.
Doctor had to start her on Defibriotide - the expensive drug meant for VOD. Alhamdulillah, with Allah's will, we finally saw the effect from the drug a week later. At day +20, the liver is now at 5cm. Hoping it will shrink further tomorrow.
At times it felt like a scene from House where one symptom after another starts appearing. The comforting thing is that the symptoms are somewhat expected by the doctor hence they are prepared with the necessary interventions, alhamdulillah.
Tomorrow is another milestone for Hana. Tomorrow, the doctor plans to convert all her meds to oral instead of through IV. With that, she will be free to walk around (be carried around the room that is) and no longer be tied to the machine. This is an important step before doctor can finally discharge her from the hospital.
Therein begins a new challenge for us.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Today is Day +2.
Means 2 days has passed since the day of the transplant.
Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah...
The transplant operation went smoothly. My son turns out to be such a brave and strong boy, Masya Allah. Mommy is sooo proud of him. We told him that he needs to go through this to help "adik", and he seems to understand it. I hope that he will redha with the gift that he have to his little sister. And I hope that they will continue to be close and always look out for one another.
Hana is holding out well, alhamdulillah. She had 2 expected symptoms - diarrhea and sore throat. Doctor not so worried and is keeping her under close observation.
The more worrying thing, for me at least is her CVL, which had new blood today :(
Her white cell has gone down to 0.3 so this is a very critical stage for her to not get any infection.
Am praying that she goes through these coming weeks without any infection nor side effect/GVHD.
Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah...
The transplant operation went smoothly. My son turns out to be such a brave and strong boy, Masya Allah. Mommy is sooo proud of him. We told him that he needs to go through this to help "adik", and he seems to understand it. I hope that he will redha with the gift that he have to his little sister. And I hope that they will continue to be close and always look out for one another.
Hana is holding out well, alhamdulillah. She had 2 expected symptoms - diarrhea and sore throat. Doctor not so worried and is keeping her under close observation.
The more worrying thing, for me at least is her CVL, which had new blood today :(
Her white cell has gone down to 0.3 so this is a very critical stage for her to not get any infection.
Am praying that she goes through these coming weeks without any infection nor side effect/GVHD.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Final note for 2014
2014 has been a year of joy and a year of tears.
It was a year that we welcome our second child, our very own princess.
It was also a year of sadness, a challenging year for us when we found out our sweet little girl has thalassemia that is transfusion dependent.
In Allah's word, "..with hardship, there will come ease". Even in these challenging times, we are still humbled with His grace and mercy.
He gives us hope. Hope for a cure by giving a matching donor for bone marrow from her brother, our first born.
He gives us guidance. To be at peace with the decision to proceed with this risky operation.
He gives us strength, especially to our princess to be stong in going through these tough treatment.
He gives us love and rahmah, by giving her the best people to treat and take care of her.
And He gives us ease in all areas for us.
Today, on the last day of 2014, our daughter completed her chemotherapy to kill of all her stem cells.
May 2015 be the year of healing for her, and for all of us.
Ameen.
It was a year that we welcome our second child, our very own princess.
It was also a year of sadness, a challenging year for us when we found out our sweet little girl has thalassemia that is transfusion dependent.
In Allah's word, "..with hardship, there will come ease". Even in these challenging times, we are still humbled with His grace and mercy.
He gives us hope. Hope for a cure by giving a matching donor for bone marrow from her brother, our first born.
He gives us guidance. To be at peace with the decision to proceed with this risky operation.
He gives us strength, especially to our princess to be stong in going through these tough treatment.
He gives us love and rahmah, by giving her the best people to treat and take care of her.
And He gives us ease in all areas for us.
Today, on the last day of 2014, our daughter completed her chemotherapy to kill of all her stem cells.
May 2015 be the year of healing for her, and for all of us.
Ameen.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Double Celebration
My birthday and the end of my 6-weeks confinement period, hoyeee ;D
My first ever "Happy Birthday Mum" card. ;D
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
A new Ramadhan
Ramadhan is upon us again.
Each Ramadhan in the past few years had marked some meaningful milestones in my life. This year is my first to celebrate Ramadhan with my very own family. What made it more meaningful is the fact that my parents are here with us, and will be until mid of the month.
My house has never felt more homey than now after my mother took charge of the kitchen hehe. The house now is living to its full potential with all the areas, nook and crannies are being used to the fullest :D
My pantang days are almost over. Not that I was on a strict regime as my mother is quite reasonable hehe. Plus I am quite cautious of all this pantang larang. To me, there should be a valid reason for doing something or at least if I don't see an adverse effect of doing it. There are however some pantang larang which I would love to follow but circumstances wouldn't allow me to. One of it is to eat newly cooked and hot rice each time, no eating warmed up food. The other is to lie down most of the time and avoid seating up for too long. When u are berpantang in your own home with no maid, there's no way you can lie down most of the time. And walking slowly when your baby is screaming his head off is just unthinkable. Personally, to me, the pantang period is actually a luxury that not all mothers can afford to have.
Anyhow, I do look foward to the end of this confinement period and hopefully can perform my fasting obligation. I will be sad as well though as it means my parents will be going back soon. Even though I am a mother now, you just never tire of being fussed over by ur own mother ;)
Each Ramadhan in the past few years had marked some meaningful milestones in my life. This year is my first to celebrate Ramadhan with my very own family. What made it more meaningful is the fact that my parents are here with us, and will be until mid of the month.
My house has never felt more homey than now after my mother took charge of the kitchen hehe. The house now is living to its full potential with all the areas, nook and crannies are being used to the fullest :D
My pantang days are almost over. Not that I was on a strict regime as my mother is quite reasonable hehe. Plus I am quite cautious of all this pantang larang. To me, there should be a valid reason for doing something or at least if I don't see an adverse effect of doing it. There are however some pantang larang which I would love to follow but circumstances wouldn't allow me to. One of it is to eat newly cooked and hot rice each time, no eating warmed up food. The other is to lie down most of the time and avoid seating up for too long. When u are berpantang in your own home with no maid, there's no way you can lie down most of the time. And walking slowly when your baby is screaming his head off is just unthinkable. Personally, to me, the pantang period is actually a luxury that not all mothers can afford to have.
Anyhow, I do look foward to the end of this confinement period and hopefully can perform my fasting obligation. I will be sad as well though as it means my parents will be going back soon. Even though I am a mother now, you just never tire of being fussed over by ur own mother ;)
Monday, July 25, 2011
Confinement period means...
I finally get to watch Grey's Anatomy Season 7. Yeayy.. I've had the series in my laptop for months now.
I must say I'm liking Owen more and more now. ;)
I must say I'm liking Owen more and more now. ;)
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Call me mom ;)
It's hard to believe that I am now a mother, even as I hold my baby in my arms.
The delivery itself went quite well, alhamdulillah. Much to my own surprise, I actually managed to go through normal delivery without an epidural. My husband had encouraged me to take the epidural knowing that I had quite low threshold for pain. But after going through several hours of the contractions already, it was the thought of that big needle poking my back that scared me more, hehehe. As I was weighing the idea of going through the pain of epidural and the pain of the actual birth and stitches, the nurse then informed me that it was actually too late already. The baby has decided to come out. :P
Sure enough, in less than an hour, I was holding my son on my tummy, while waiting for my husband to cut the cord :)
Some say that the pain disappears when you first hold your baby in your arms. A close friend of mine who went through induced labor and an emergency c-section said she is willing to go though all that again for her boy.
I wouldn't go that far. :P
The pain is real. And I have more and more respect to those mothers who can give birth to 10, 12 children. I also cannot imagine how teenage mothers who gave birth all by themselves in order to hide their pregnancy and baby from their families and societies. Even at a high-tech hospital with a gynae and several nurses helping me, it was not an easy process. Furthermore, I had the added strength from my husband who held my hand throughout and became my hands and legs during the recovery period. I hope and pray that I'll never have to go through labor on my own ever.
One thing that I learnt from this experience: don't go through the pregnancy and labor blind. Read a lot, ask a lot and most of all PRAY a lot. And trust your body to know what is best for itself and the baby that is nurturing inside it.
The delivery itself went quite well, alhamdulillah. Much to my own surprise, I actually managed to go through normal delivery without an epidural. My husband had encouraged me to take the epidural knowing that I had quite low threshold for pain. But after going through several hours of the contractions already, it was the thought of that big needle poking my back that scared me more, hehehe. As I was weighing the idea of going through the pain of epidural and the pain of the actual birth and stitches, the nurse then informed me that it was actually too late already. The baby has decided to come out. :P
Sure enough, in less than an hour, I was holding my son on my tummy, while waiting for my husband to cut the cord :)
Some say that the pain disappears when you first hold your baby in your arms. A close friend of mine who went through induced labor and an emergency c-section said she is willing to go though all that again for her boy.
I wouldn't go that far. :P
The pain is real. And I have more and more respect to those mothers who can give birth to 10, 12 children. I also cannot imagine how teenage mothers who gave birth all by themselves in order to hide their pregnancy and baby from their families and societies. Even at a high-tech hospital with a gynae and several nurses helping me, it was not an easy process. Furthermore, I had the added strength from my husband who held my hand throughout and became my hands and legs during the recovery period. I hope and pray that I'll never have to go through labor on my own ever.
One thing that I learnt from this experience: don't go through the pregnancy and labor blind. Read a lot, ask a lot and most of all PRAY a lot. And trust your body to know what is best for itself and the baby that is nurturing inside it.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Almost a year has past since the last post...
...and I am in a totally different place now.
I was re-reading my last post, talking about change, talking about moving on to the next level in life.
Perhaps that feeling had signified that I am ready to move on to the next level.
Allah indeed is the Most Know-It-All in his blessings. Subhanallah. I've been in awed, humbled and full of gratitude for the last 10 months; at the same time anxious of going through these new phases of God's test.
Almost a year has past, and since then I have become a wife to a wonderful man that Allah had ordained for me.
Almost a year has past, and for the last 36 weeks, I have been carrying God's miracle inside me. A truly beautiful experience that Allah had bestowed upon me :)
Subhanallah.
I was re-reading my last post, talking about change, talking about moving on to the next level in life.
Perhaps that feeling had signified that I am ready to move on to the next level.
Allah indeed is the Most Know-It-All in his blessings. Subhanallah. I've been in awed, humbled and full of gratitude for the last 10 months; at the same time anxious of going through these new phases of God's test.
Almost a year has past, and since then I have become a wife to a wonderful man that Allah had ordained for me.
Almost a year has past, and for the last 36 weeks, I have been carrying God's miracle inside me. A truly beautiful experience that Allah had bestowed upon me :)
Subhanallah.
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