Are you happy?

I am not unhappy. 

Does that mean I am happy? 

How do we define happiness?

Say something I'm giving up on you...

 

Monstrous change

 A friend recently said that change is like a monster. That’s why we’re scared of them.

Right now, I have a few of these “monsters” raging around me that I feel like the earth under my feet is crumbling away.

That’s how unbalanced and out of control I feel right now.

Career, life, future - so many that’s waiting on my decision that is unraveling me.

The most crazy one is a recent event of finding a prospect retirement place by the beachside in a middle of a kampung. The place was beautiful and the idea is exciting. But the scary thought running in my head was of me being left alone there. I felt so, so alone that it was unbearable.

I am questioning everything about me - my self worth, my identity, my path.

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt this scared and off-balance.  

Shades of grey

“Don’t define your world in black and white.

Because there are so much hiding in the greys”

Embracing the greyness takes courage. Stepping into the unknown takes bravery.

Time to just PAUSE and REFLECT.

When change is the only constant in life

“In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or step back into safety.” - Abraham Maslow

Yet, it’s hard to not fear the unknown, to fear facing the endless what-ifs and possibilities of regrets of the decisions we made today.

Taking strengths from the wise words of these men/women:

 “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

Lao Tzu

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.”

C. JoyBell C.

At the end of the day though, it is what Mandy Hale says that really resonates with me....

“Change is painful, but nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.”

How Did You Die? (Edmund Vance Cooke)

 

Did you tackle that trouble that came your way

With a resolute heart and cheerful?

Or hide your face from the light of day

With a craven soul and fearful?

...You are beaten to earth? Well, well, what's that?

Come up with a smiling face...

The harder you're thrown, why the higher you bounce;

Be proud of your blackened eye!

It isn't the fact that you're licked that counts,

It's how did you fight -- and why?

And though you be done to the death, what then?

...It isn't the fact that you're dead that counts,

But only how did you die?

Another milestone

Her CVL has been removed a moment ago. Alhamdulillah. Another milestone out of many more to come.

Relieved and nervous - a mixed feeling for I have known the convenience that it had afford my daughter. It kept her comfortable throughout her treatment that involved daily bloodtaking, transfusion and multiple doses of drugs infused into her.

The creation of CVL is truly a mercy from God, especially for small babies like her.

For the removal, doctor had to set the branular to give her sedation. We hope and pray that will be the last that she'll ever need for the rest of her life. Insya Allah.


Ps: Today is day +81.